The lights are on, is anybody home?

Last week I left my porch light on all day. The sun came up and I forgot it was there.
When I drove home from work I noticed it was on.
"Hmmm. I'll have to remember to turn it off when I go inside."
But of course I got distracted and forgot all about it. So it was on until evening.
Isn't it funny that when the day is sunny you don't even notice a bright light is shining. You have no need for it.
But when the darkness comes... oh when the darkness comes.

Why is it so easy to forget about the light when the days are sunny? Maybe we feel we don't need Him. Maybe you are the kind of person who does recognize your need for Him everyday. But even so, I'm sure you pursue Him 10 times more in a time of darkness.

"sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." Ecclesiastes 7:3

"... Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich I may deny you and say 'Who is the Lord?'..." Proverbs 30:8-9

I've never likes these two verses, but I respect the truth in them. They hold a mirror to our human condition, even if they don't tickle our ears.

Christmas lights

I've been waking up early each day even though I'm on break. I enjoy looking out into the dark morning to see the Christmas lights on my bushes.
This week the mornings have been soooo dark, making the lights even more beautiful.
Today it struck me,- it's during the darkest days of the year that we choose to celebrate the coming of the light.

My Dylan

Heidi use to say, "If I could find a man who loved me half as much as my students do, I'd be a happy woman"
Students have the tendency to adore you! And it makes me adore them so much in return. My little Dylan currently holds the title of the "sweetest thing"
A few weeks ago we were learning the word "lovely." We used it in all different context and really he just showed no recognition and didn't really care about it.
Finally a few weeks later he asked to see my name badge again. He loves to look at the picture and run his fingers over my name and read it.
"Your hair down" he said.
"Yes, my hair was straight that day. I didn't curl it."
He stared at it lovingly. "(sigh)ahhhh. ....lovely"
Oh I could just kiss him!
I also taught him the word "gentle" after he slapped my hand away one day. He seemed to grasp that one right away. When I stood up he patted my butt.
"Gentle" he said.
I couldn't help but laugh. Yes, gentle. Inappropriate, but gentle.

Ex 21:8 If she is displeasing in the eyes of her master who designated her for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed.......

Yes, I know this is about a female slave, but it spoke to me this morning. This one sentence jumped out.

I have been displeasing in the eyes of my master who designated me for Himself.... thank you Jesus for redeeming me.

And now a word from our sponsor:

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT. THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS EXPRESSED DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE THE VIEWS OF THE NETWORK OR THEIR STAFF.

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Oh the blessings

I've been loving my new job. No 8am is a not a perfect time, and 5 days a week has been difficult to get use too again, but I'm managing. I come home less that exhausted and can sleep in a tiny bit later than when I was teaching.
But already there are things that make me smile each day.
For example, one student Dylan is from Vietnam. He pronounces this l's as r's. So while singing his phonics song to me he sang, "J, juh...jerrybeans!" It was so cute. Now I have no choice but to call jellybeans "jerrybeans", just like I call noodles, "noogles." This little kindergardener also guesses wildly at his reading instead of looking at picture clues. As we read a book "I like" we came to a page with a boy sleeping. I prompted him, "I Like to ssssssss."
"I like to sandwich!!!!!
"No Dylan,-"
"I like to snake!!!"
ha ha, he never did get it. I finally had to tell him.
But even better is the blessing of knowing I'm helping these children. I have an 8th grader who most teachers have dismisses as un-motivated and is failing almost every class. (amazing after 4 weeks huh?)
I was dreading working with him thinking I was going to get resistance and attitude from a kid who didn't want me around him.
But on the second day he and I worked together to understand the preamble to the constitution. It only took about 15 minutes work outside of the class and he had a decent grasp of its meaning. As I started to leave that day, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Thank you."
Oh, that was better than any paycheck. And now each day I see him, his face immediately lights up. We always have big hurdles to tackle, but we are making progress in the right direction.

Dressed for battle

David was sent into battle. He tried to wear Saul’s armor, but didn’t feel comfortable in it.
It wasn’t made for him. He shrugged it off and succeeded in defeating Goliath with just a sling and a stone, the weapons he was use it.
Recently I’ve been trying to be patient in a very frustrating situation. It’s been dragging on for over five months. I’ve been patient, I’ve been understanding, and I’ve been calm.
And nothing was getting done.
That’s it. I’ve had enough. Nothing ever gets done when you are kind. I’m getting nasty.I made the call I needed.
Now I wasn’t rude or offensive in anyway. I didn’t cuss him out, or make empty threats. But I let know I meant business and I got immediate results.
“Do you see why I hate being a woman? “ I complained to Steve. “No one takes you seriously unless you act like a bitch. It’s the only way to get anything accomplished.”
But regardless of results, the whole situation left me feeling icky.
I still had to settle up with this guy, and I was absolutely dreading going through the whole hard-edge routine again.
It went on for a few days. I really wasn’t sure how I was gonna handle the whole situation.
I sat in my thinking chair hugging my bible. “Lord, I’m sure you have an answer for me in here somewhere. But I have no idea where to look.”
I opened my bible and landed on Colossians 3 and found these verses UNDERLINED:

8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language…12 Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourself…

(and at this point as my eyes were going down to the next line to read I thought to myself, ‘I know how to dress for battle. It’s in Ephesians 6, breast plate of righteousness, shoes of piece, blah blah blah)

Then my eyes settled on the next line and saw: …with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you… And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love.. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony, And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your heart.”

Wow. I felt the Lord speaking to my heart:
You’ve felt so uncomfortable because, like David, you were trying to wear armor that was not created for you.
Ugh.
So from here on out, the hard edge bitch is not an option. It’s fine, I’ve never enjoyed it. It’s just not me. I guess this is the point I follow his lead, and Allow Him to fight my battles.

More of my ponderings...

Sometimes people say, "I'm not sure what God's will is in this situation..." and when things turn out okay they assume they must have unknowingly stumbled upon it.
Other times I've heard the arguement against biblical ideas, "How can that be wrong? I know so-and-so and they've done that and they have a blessed life."
But in Genesis 17: 19 we see that things that we create ourselves can still be blessed by God.

"...as for Ishmael, I will bless him also, just as you have asked. I will cause him to multiply and become a great nation. Twelve princes will be among his descendants. But my covenant is with Isaac, who will be born to you and Sarah about this time next year."

Also, hundreds of years later, God gave his people a king when they asked for him, although his intention was always for them to be governed my him. And in spite of that He still longed to bless them.

Getting out of the will of God doesn't always result in the proverbial slap on the wrist. Sometimes we are still blessed inspite of it.

So now I have to ask the tough question, and maybe you should ask this of yourself too: How important is it to me to remain in his will?
Or does it not matter so long as I am blessed?

The answer exposes...

Am I a woman after God's own heart?... or a woman after his blessing?

Goodbye Ishmael

We always think Abraham didn't infact have to sacrifice his son, because God stopped him at the last minute.
The willingness was all that actually mattered.
By sparing Isaac, the Lord kept Abraham from losing everything.
But we forget Abraham did have another son that he did have to sacrifice...the son of his own planning.
Even though he was not the "son of promise" I doubt that Abraham loved him any less.
I doubt casting him out was a simple thing.
There are time God requires us to let go of things we love so much. Especially if it is things we've conjured up ourselves.
It's not an easy thing to do.
Necessary.
But not easy.

The Job!

Sometimes I can't see the whole picture. I don't understand the plan. But I love as it all unfolds.
I just got a job! I a job, that when I first learned about it, I thought, "Nah, that's not for me. I'm not interseted."
But as time went on, I realized, "This is my job. This is the one I'm suppose to have."
And sure enough, I applied and got it.
I'll be working throughout Gennessee County with English as a Second Languge Students. I'll go from school to school working with students 1-1, small groups or even in the classroom.
I feel so blessed. I can't be in Swaziland anymore, but God is bringing multiple nations to me!
I can not tell you how excited I am about this, and how much I love these children already. I've never met them but I'm praying for them and their families already.
Who knows what doors might open!

I've been feeling so unsettled this week. There is just so much brewing in my brain, it's hard to get much relief.
I've been back for 8 months now.
Why?
What am I suppose to be doing back here in Flint? I'm just so unsatisfied with everything.
The rest and novelty of being unemployed have been gone for a while. I'm bored, and find myself filling my days with meaningless activities that now bring no amusement.
I want to go back to work. But doing what?
Teaching? That would be the easy answer. But I can't really say I'm suppose to be teaching. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to teach,- trust me. But I feel like that's the easy way out.
I remember years ago hearing a sermon about after Jesus' death the disciples went back to what they knew.
They'd had this amazing experience with Jesus, and then it all seemed to end and in their confusion and doubt they went back to whatever it was before. We see that when Jesus found Peter again he was fishing. He questioned his love and commitment 3 times and prophesied about who Peter would become.
I feel so much like Peter right now. Coming off the mission field to .....what?
Like Peter, I find myself scratching my head and thinking, "It wasn't suppose to be this way."
I want so desperately to grab onto and cling to anything "normal" or "safe" or "familiar" or "regular"
God has grabbed hold of me this week, through different conversations with people, and given me a good shake.
I'm sensing once again that I'm missing something I shouldn't. If I believe what I say I believe, shouldn't my life look different?
But I think I'm afraid of that difference. I'm afraid of the boldness. I'm afraid of that life which he will call me to. I'm afraid to encounter Jesus on that beach and have him question my love, my commitment, and prophesy who I will become.

Humility

As John Ortberg defines it, humility is letting God be God. I've always liked that definition.
He tells a story in his book The Life you Always Wanted about a christian school who was putting on a play, and one little boy was assigned the part of God. His job was to stand on a ladder, shine a flashlight down and read his lines. But one day at practice he told the teacher, "I can't do this. I just feel too crazy to be God today."
That story makes me smile on those days when I've tried, (and failed) to work my own plan. These are the days I have to throw up my hands and say, "Ugh, It's too much work to be God today." And that's when humility sinks in.
Oh yeah, I"m not suppose to be God.

It's happened a lot lately.

If you can't tell, the newness and fun and relaxation of being unemployed has worn off. I'm ready for something...anything.
I'm bored.

I know some of you don't believe it's possible but day after day on nothingness gets old after 8 months.

And job hunting in Michigan is no easy feat right now, so I often find myself discouraged. Considering I don't really know what I want to do doesn't help things either.

So the last few days I've really had to let go and let God be God. I'm starting to think this job will be something I just kinda stumble upon, like everything else in my life right now.

I stumbled upon Vilma. I stumbled upon Jabu. I stumbled upon Steve. I wasn't looking for any of them, and yet God has brought them into my life,- and I am so blessed by each of them.

Susan blogged today about complaining, and the definition is "to find fault in."

Yikes!

How can I find fault in God's perfect plan? His plan to bless me, and give me a future and a hope? He is for me. He can be trusted. Oh shame on me for saying it's not right.

Humility. I have to bring myself back to it daily. I need to let God be God.

I'm late

I'm sure I've talked about this before. I feel like I'm late in life.
I guess I've done everything else later than my friends.
My friends went off to college right away.
I stayed in Flint for a year.
My friends all moved away for college or work.
I waited until I was 24.
My friends are all married with kids (or so it seems)
And yet at 32...nuthin.'
This started up again last night, when I added a former co-worker as a face book friend.
He's listed as married.
How could he be married? He just got engaged.
But he'd just got engaged when I saw him 2 years ago.
Once again it's that black hole vortex of Africa. Where you go and life zooms by so quickly and then when you come back, you realize that life has gone on without you in so many different areas, and you are no further along than before.
It's a crappy feeling.
So now that I've vented I have to go and practice my latest routine.
When I'm feeling crappy I've been making myself sit down, and list what I "know" is bucolically true, as opposed to what I'm "feeling"
Feelings can't be trusted. They are too fickle.
But before I did that, I just wanted to emotionally vomit.

Sad

I've been going through the stores and seeing all of the Back-to-school displays:
new crayons, new pencils, back packs, glue sticks, and all of the wonderful smells of new school supplies.
And this year I have no part in it.
I know I haven't taught in 2 years, but I was away from all of the festivities.
This year seeing it all has made me sad. I want to be part of this again, and I'm just not. I spent the afternoon in Borders and walked through the kid's section.
Tons of my favorite stories were there, and I have no one to but them for.
Bummer. This has really gotten me down.

In 2006 I took a trip in my time machine to snap photos of celebs in the future
Oh my, they don't age well.
Well, you might not have been a loyal reader then, but you can check the archives. And now, I'm at it again:

My hormones have been going crazy, and they are threatening to ruin my life.
My emotions have been off the wall.
I woke up this morning on the verge of tears, and I can't even tell you why. Is waking up really that upsetting?

And different circumstances in life have just had a field day with this. Typical life stuff, and medium size decisions have suddenly threatened to be my ruin with the hormones influencing everything.
But in the midst of all this, I've found peace.

Yup. Peace.

Somehow, one day recently I realized to take my own advice. People often say "how do I know if I'm doing the right thing? This or that?" And they get all worked up into a tizzy. I always tell them, "If you are truly trying to follow God, and trying your best to hear him and obey Him, then he won't let you miss it. He'll make it clear to you."
So I decided to do nothing these last few days. I put my "feelings" to the side, since they can't be trusted anyway. I have put the situations out of my head and decided to "Think about what ever is good, what ever is pure...."
and I trust that the Lord will make His way known.

Confucius says...

Three days ago I was thinking how happy I was to have a cat.
Not a dog.
A cat.
Cats snuggle but don't bark. They are independent. They are low maitenance.
You don't have to potty them. You can run free and have no responsibility. You don't have to let them out every few hours.
You can leave them with a huge bowl of kibble and go up north for a few nights.
Cats are perfect pets.
Then two days ago a little dog wandered into my yard.
Where did you come from little guy...girl...whatever you are?

I am home now. its little wag seemed to say.
I want to sit in your lap.
I want you to rub my belly 'til I sleep.
I'm your baby.
I love you

It seemed confused.
I'm not it's momma. But it had no tags and no neighbor knew where he belonged.

what are you? a boy or a girl?
No answer.
Well go pee then. Boys hike, girls squat.

Obediently, the little dog walked into the grass.
It squatted...and hike it's leg at the same time. This 3-legged balancing triangle had me in stitches.
This dog is very confused.
I named it Confucius.

But I don't want a dog.

I began to fall for it.
No! No! I have a cat. I don't need a dog.

But the cat loved it.
With soft slowing wispy fur, the cat thought I'd brought him an animated cat toy. He bound through the house swatting at it.

The dog did not love the cat back.

But this is responsibility. I didn't ask for this!
My God, it felt like an unplanned pregnancy.

Finally, I decided I had to find it's home. Confucius was obviously cared for. Some one would be missing him...er...her. I pictured in my mind an old granny in the near by neighborhood calling for her baby... crying.

Yes, I had to find its home.

My tobacco chewing mail man said there was a home nearby that had a little dog like it. He told me the address.
I put Confucius in the car and we took a drive.

Ringing the doorbell I heard lots of other little dogs yipping inside.
Are you missing a little black dog?
Yes.
I have it here.
I handed Confusious over to a non-granny.
Oh thank you.. All of Grand Blanc will know her sooner or later. She gets out all of the time.
Well...she didn't have a collar on.Blank stare.
Yeah, well, we really need to get that fence fixed....I didn't even know she was missing. I just got home form work. I figured she was holed up somewhere sleeping.

Grrr to you non-granny. Very Grrr.

So now the cat and I are keeping our eyes out for the animated cat toy to come through to our fixed-fence yard again. We have a collar waiting for Confucius and we will notice when she is gone.

I would welcome the responsibility.

The job search

Warning this is PG-13 Reader be warned

You know I've been looking for a job. Anything that I'd enjoy really. A few months ago I saw an ad posted for a writer... a blog writer.
I thought, "wow! local, paid per article, I can do this."
so I wrote an inquiry to ask more details.

So the response was:

We are looking for local blog writers to review our adult products and toys. You will need to use each product and write your review and opinion of each one....

Ummmmmm.........what? ahhhhhhh.......no.
I couldn't help but call Heidi laughing.
"Girl, I have been neither single, nor unemployed long enough to take that job."

Hey buddy, go google yourself!

Hey have you ever timed your name into google and seen what popped up? Man, look what I've apparently been up to:



Homicide suspect arrested for bond violations

Julie Holmquist 02.MAY.07

POLK COUNTY - A Luck man out on a $50,000 bond and facing Polk County felony homicide charges was arrested Monday at the Turtle Lake Casino for bond violations.

The St. Croix Tribal Police and Turtle Lake Police arrested Derek Mosay, 21, around 12:30 a.m. in a Turtle Lake St. Croix Casino hotel room. Mosay was found with Christy Merrill, 23, Siren, in the hotel room with empty bottles of beer.

Some of the conditions of the bond were no drinking of alcohol and no contact with Merrill.

Merrill was also arrested on a Polk County misdemeanor bail-jumping charge.

Mosay is accused of backing a van over Mike Ellis, a 45-year-old from the Round Lake community who was found dead last fall at his home.

Ellis died after Mosay allegedly backed Ellis’ van over his body following a fight at Ellis’ home on 211 60th Street.

Witnesses told Polk County investigators in September that Ellis had intervened in a fight between Mosay and Merrill, Mosay’s girlfriend at that time.

Mosay pled not guilty last November on charges of homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle and second-degree reckless homicide. Each felony count carries a possible maximum sentence of 25 years in prison, a fine of $100,000, or both.

Mosay also pled not guilty to misdemeanor battery charges. A charge of resisting an officer was dismissed at that time.

On Monday, authorities said a preliminary test indicated Mosay had an alcohol level of .144, and Merrill had an alcohol level of .180, which is above the legal limit.

Mosay was out of jail on a $50,000 bond after paying a cash amount of $15,000.

Years ago I remember the Lord speaking to me "You can have everything that you want, it will just look very different than you imagined."
I had forgotten about that for a long time and was just reminded of it yesterday.
I came back to america in December with lots of ideas of what I wanted and how it would look. Through the months each of my ideas have gone down in a blaze of glory! I've been totally pruned.
But realizing this, I've let go of my expectations, and have been praying that God renew each aspect in his way.
And he has begun bit by bit to give me all the things I want,- in such surprising ways.
You already know about Jabu, the most wonderful pet companion in the shape of a cat.
But now the Lord has placed the most wonderful encouraging loving friend in my life, Vilma.
You know I've been strugglin here to make friends. Not just regular aquaintances that you say hi to at church, but real deep, honest friendships. The people in Flint are just so different and I often feel out of place, like I don't fit in with these people.
A week ago I was doing laundry and there was a ring at my doorbell.
Who could that be?
I went to the door and was greeted by a smiling face.
"helloo. I nuw jur fathar. I'm Vilma. Vilma Jobb. Cuum. Let us seet here and talk."
The little Hungarian woman, whom I seem to tower over, teetered to the the porch chairs. I followed and we sat and talked.
It almost seemed as though we'd known each other for years.
She told me she began visiting my father 8 years ago when he was selling his garden vegetables. I remembered my dad speaking fondly of her, saying she reminded him of his mother. Through the years she's befriended our neighbors, my aunt, my mom and stepdad, and now me.
Everytime I leave her presence, I feel like I've been with an angel. She is just precious.
So Thank you Lord for giving me a new friend. I never would have chosen an 85 year old Hungarian refugee myself, but am so glad you did.

Wanted: Zombi killers

I'm not kidding. This was on the cragislist posts for jobs in Flint:

Zombie killer:Have a zombie problem, need reliable help between the hours of midnight and about 5AM, monday through friday. Experience preferred but will train a motivated candidate. Own weapons and vehicle are extremely helpful. Must not be afraid of zombies. Must pass a drug screening. Thanks.

I wonder if there is a 401K with that?

... And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, ... Luke 15:20
A man of the father's stature wouldn't have run... ever. No infact servanats would have run for him. He would have strolled, sauntered, strutted, even moseyed... but never run. It was below him.
And yet when he saw his lost son, who he'd pined for for so many years, he lifted his robe, undignified himself, and ran to his son who was returning.
Many people envision God as a bully who wants to squash you for doing wrong.
Lightning and thunder crash when he finds you and he's going to knock you dead on the spot.

Some people know God will forgive them, but expect to have to listen to a list of "terms and conditions" as well as a few "I-was-right-and-you-were-wrongs" first.

But this is a picture of a God who is willing to undignify himself.
I heard a man on television once say that he wouldn't beleive in a God that would forgive any sin. What kind of God would forgive a murderer or child-molester.
But God doesn't care what you, me, or anyone else thinks of the forgiveness he offers to another person. He doesn't need our permission. He's not concerned of what the neighbors might think he runs out to take his child in his arms. He's happy he has returned.

Jabu's Parable

Jabu has been such an awesome addition. I've really enjoyed having him here.
Often he comes to me just as he wakes up and snuggles with me a while. He follows me around the house just to check out what I'm doing.
But he's a busy kitty. He's often preoccupied. I'll call him to come and sit on my lap while I watch a movie, but walks off after a brief consideration. He knows where I'll be when he wants to settle down. But for now it's off to watch the world outside the windows. He plays contently, takes his medicine (even though he pouts afterwards,) and only goes in the places he's allowed. Then occasionally he'll jump into my lap, lay his head against my chest and snuggle against me. But it's only a matter of time before he sees a bird out the window, or a little bug fluttering in the lamp light.
Such a restless kitty.

In my current state of pruned-ness I have a lot of time just sitting and listening, reflecting, wondering, dreaming.
This is the part He's been speaking to me about. The rest.
I've stopped striving. I'm just waiting.
There was so much He spoke to me in Africa,- about marriage coming soon, the new ministry I'll be released into, a job where I can serve him,-and as I'm looking around I see absolutley none of it. It makes me laugh.
Are you sure about this?
But in spite of no evidence around me, I trust Him completely. And to be honest, I know it will all fall into place.
I just keep thinking about how I came across Jabu. I'd been visiting the humane society for weeks and never found the right dog. Then I came across him and it was love at first sight. Turns out the best dog for me was a cat all along.
I feel the rest will be the same. Now that I've stopped telling God how everything will work out I can just live day by day without the un-productive striving. It's that rest He's been talking about.
Just like Jabu, I know God has the right things waiting to put in place,-work, ministry, and marriage. But I won't be surprised if they're totally different that how I anticipated them.

Day at a tiny vineyard

Today I went to Rob Macolmnson's farm to help prune the grape vines. I've been learning that vines are a symbol of a faith or belief,-a type of religion if you will. Being Good Friday, there's nothing I thought could have been cooler.
The winding grape vines looked full and promising to me- the non-farmer type. I thought they looked fine. I thought we could just leave them and they'd be full of fruit come summer.
"No, all of this has to be cut off. It has to be cut back to the old wood." [essentially the stem of the plant]
"All of it?" I asked.
"Yeah, all of it. Fruit only grows on the new growth. So if you want a lot produced you have to cut off everything."
"Well then, how does it ever spread? How do you get big vineyards?"
"Well you can leave a few branches, if it's kinda filling in a bare spot. But it won't produce anything... But you have to look at these branches here, all the way back to the old wood. And if there are a couple together, you have to choose which one and cut the other, it's too much competition. "
Oh man! As they say in the south, That'll preach!!!!
I've been going through a lot of pruning these past few months,- job, ministry, relationship. Everything has been cut back to the "old wood." But God is showing me that the competition had to go. My fruit will not grow this year on last year's growth. It's time to start afresh. Painful as it is to be the one getting pruned, it comes with a promise of more abundant fruit to come.
Look at this beautiful Scripture. While I realize Jesus was refering to this in a spirititual context, it feels like a personal explaination to my current situation in life:
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned for greater fruitfulness by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me. "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who parts from me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you stay joined to me and my words remain in you, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted! My true disciples produce much fruit. This brings great glory to my Father.
John 15:1-8
Read that last part again:
My true disciples bear much fruit. This brings much glory to the Father.
In spite of the pain, Lord, I want to bring you glory.

Fig tree Part 2

So now the chapters of Matthew and Mark come to life in a whole new way.
In Matt 21, Jesus come to a fig tree bearing leaves (and therefore should have had fruit.) He found nothing and cursed it. I see now this is a type of living parable , cursing the hypocrisy around him.
The tree was “advertising “ itself as a fig tree yet had no fruit to offer. We’ve all seen in our American church, people who “advertise” themselves as Christians,- with bumper stickers, speaking Christianese at work, wearing Christian t-shirts.
And I can imagine in this season with so many people desperately seeking peace, seeking answers, seeking anything, many will begin to toy with the idea, “Well maybe I’ll pray.” Or “Maybe I’ll go to church.” They might even feel more comfortable talking with the fig-tree person they know, who seems to have something to offer.
But what will happen when they come to the fig tree and find no fruit? No love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control? Will “salvation” and T-shirts and saying “Praise the Lord” mean a thing to them when that fig-tree person is no different?
So now I see the significance of the next stories:
In Matthew and Mark, Jesus curses the fig tree (the one advertising salvation but having no fruit to give those coming to it) and then went directly into the temple and rebuked the money changers. (The story that Pastor preached on this past Sunday)
“Then Jesus said to the tree, ‘May no one ever eat your fruit again!’ And the disciples hear him say it. When they arrived back in Jerusalem, Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out the merchants and their customers. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the stalls of those selling doves, and he stopped everyone from bringing in merchandise. He taught them, ‘The scriptures declare “My temple will be called a place of prayer for all nations,” but you have turned it into a den of thieves.’” (Mark 11:11-17)
Matt 21:12-13 records the same temple story and then in Vs 14, the very next verse, records something very significant: “The blind and the lame came to him, and he healed them there in the Temple.”
I think it’s no coincidence that these two stories are back to back with vs. 14 thrown in there. This is a significant teaching we need to grasp. When the individual hypocrisy is dead (the fig-less fig tree) and the corporate hypocrisy has been driven out, the lame and the hurting come to Jesus.
Oh, we as the corporate church need to take this to heart as we pray for those around us, in our families, in circle of friends, and in city.
Lord, expose our hearts to help us understand. Lead us with your Holy Spirit to develop more of the fruit you desire within us. Bring our churches into humility to serve those who are ‘blind and lame.’ And do all of these things, not for our selves, but for your Glory.

The fig tree, part 1

As I’ve mentioned, I’m learning about trees and their significance in the bible. It’s just been opening up a whole new understanding of the text.
For example, fig trees in Jewish tradition representing forgiveness of sin, end of exile, and restoration of the covenanted. In other words, salvation.
It's said that Jews awaiting the Messiah would pray and study the Torah under the fig trees.
Notice that Phillip found Nathanael under a fig tree when he told him they had found the Messiah, and Jesus had seen Nathanael there. (John 1:48)
So now the chapters of Matthew and Mark come to life in a whole new way.
Matt 21, Jesus come to a fig tree bearing leaves (and therefore should have had fruit.) He found nothing and cursed it. I see now this is a type of living parable , cursing the hypocrisy around him.
The tree was “advertising “ itself as a fig tree yet had no fruit to offer. I see today in our American church, people who “advertise” themselves as Christians,- with bumper stickers, speaking Christianese at work, wearing Christian t-shirts.
And I can imagine in this season with so many people desperately seeking peace, seeking answers, seeking anything, many will begin to toy with the idea, “Well maybe I’ll pray.” Or “Maybe I’ll go to church.” They might even feel more comfortable talking with the fig-tree person they know, representing salvation.
But what will happen when they come to the fig tree and find no fruit? No love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control? Will “salvation” and T-shirts and saying “Praise the Lord” mean a thing to them when that fig-tree person is no different?

Extending the olive branch, part 2

So this morning I picked up my daily devotional, Streams in the Desert. (by far the most dead-on devotional I've ever read...it's a bit scary)
"...[isolation] is an ingredient in God's plan of dealing with us. We are to enter a secret chamber of isolation in prayer and faith that is very fruitful. At certain times and places, God will build a mysterious wall around us. He will take away all the supports we customarily lean upon, and will remove our ordinaty ways fo doing things. God will close us off to something divine, completeely new and unexpected, and that cannnot be understood where we do not know what is happening, where God is cutting the cloth of our lives by a new pattern, and thus where He causes us to look to Him.
Most Christians lead a treadmill life- a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him. All they know is that God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone...."
I find great comfort and confirmation in this. I have no idea what He is planning and preparing, but I trust Him.

Extending the Olive branch

These last few weeks have been very hard for me.
I just feel like I've been taken out of everything I was doing...and for what?
I spend my days very low key filled with things that don't really make a difference. The only one who really benefits from my existence here in the states on a regular basis is Jabu.
I've tried subbing, but really feel like the Lord has taken me out of that.
I tried volunteering but it doesn't ever seem to work out.
I've had no desire to study or write.
Now I'm not a person who finds her value or identity in what she does, but I've been so frustrated doing nothing. Sure I can find things to fill my time, but it seems purposeless. I still have the desire to love and effect people, yet I spend an overwhelming amount of time alone.
And last week it all just came to a head. I'd had enough.
"Lord why am I here? Why not just leave me in Africa? Everyday I touched some one's life. I had an effect for you kingdom. Now.... I matter to a cat. Why did you bring me back here? Why didn't you just leave me in Africa. At least I'd be making a difference for your kingdom."

And finally yesterday there was a little tug towards my bible. I sat with laptop and notebook and started researching trees in the bible (okay I'm a nerd) but discovered this about olive trees:
Olive trees begin to produce olives at 6-10 years and have their highest yield at about 45-50 years. After that it will decline. So farmers cut off every branch leaving a stump and then often will even cut the stump down.
It stands there looking dead
Then it begins to shoot sprouts, and the sprouts will bear fruit, in more abundance than before,for another 50 years.
(Then a shoot will spring from the stem of Jesse, And a branch from his roots will bear fruit. Ish 11:1 This prophecy illustrates this concept.)
Somehow this gave me peace. Every branch I've had in the past has been cut off, but it's not in vain. The next season will come, and my fruit will be even more productive.
I can accept this as I wait.

God of abundance

We serve a God of Abundance. He doesn't run out.
We see 5,000 fed. They took and they took, and he continued to provide and provide. Everyone got the bread and the fish. There was no lack.

His love is the same. He is the God of Abundance. He has enough to go around.
There is enough for me, for you, for the guy down the street, the child in Africa, the lady in the check out line, the granny in the nursing home....
He will not run out. He is the God of Abundance.

Jabu

Jabu has arrived home and is adjusting so well! He has a bit of a cold and I'll take him to the vet this week. But he is lovable, well behaved, and beautiful!
He likes to explore the house from top to bottom, and loves sitting in the window sills to watch nature outside. He also will snuggle up to me in my chair to nap on my lap.

Guess who is coming home today?

I'm gonna be a mommy.... on saturday

Yep! I' m in love. I went to the humane society. I have been for weeks and I keep seeing all these little dogs but Im just not sure. I don't one that barks, or digs or chews, or pees on my new carpet, or jump on people or isn't housebroken.
I just want one who is sweet and quiet and playful. There was one I was thinking about but when I went back yesterday he was gone. I guess he got a nice new home so that's fine.
So then yesterday I walked into a separate room where some little dogs were kept and as i walked past an upper cage a little paw stuck out and tried to take a swipe at me.
When I looked in I saw a beautiful solid black cat.
I talked to him and he pressed his whole body up against the cage for me to scratch him. When I put my face up to the cage he started batting at my nose to play.
It was love at first sight. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before. A dog with all the qualities I want is a cat.
He is six months old, and his old owner moved. Best of all he got neutered today so that will help with spraying because he's still young enough.
So he's resting a few days and I can adopt him on Saturday. I might put him on hold for a few days if I feel he needs to stay there and recover, but they said he should be fine if I keep him in a small room.
I went to walmart today and got his supplies and a few goodies as well. :0)
I'll post some pics when I get him.

I'm learning to rest in Him.

"The beloved of the Lord rests in safety - the High God surrounds him all day long - the beloved rests between his shoulders."
Deut. 33:12

I made me think about all of those babies in Africa, tied upon their mother's back. They were secure.
They were resting safely between her shoulders.

They couldn't see what was ahead, only she could see the future
They would have had difficulty seeing behind them, they couldn't focus on the past.
They simple could look around, side to side and see the present.
In their security, they rested. Momma took care of all of their needs.

There's a lot of things we worship: money,jobs,relationships,our youth and beauty.
But money can be spent, jobs lost, relationships ended and beauty fades.
If we allow ourselves to worship anything other than the Lord, we risk loosing the very thing we love.

Child of God.

I was subbing in a headstart classroom with 3 and 4-year olds. One activity I did with these at risk children was "message of the day" to build their oral skills and build vocabulary.
I read the message: "Tell me about a time when you had an adventure."
Hand went up. I picked one child.
"I went on a motorcycle with my uncle... and we went very fast!"
"Wow! That does sound like an adventure. Great job! Does anyone else have a story about an adventure?"
More hands. I picked a second child.
"I went on a motorcycle."
"Er...okay. Remember kids, an adventure doesn't have to be about a motorcycle. It can just be an exciting time. Any exciting time." I said. "who else?"
More hands, more picking.
"I went on a motorcycle."
"Nooooo!... okay.... I want to hear a story that's not a motorcycle story....any other adventure... but not a motorcycle.... okay? no more motorcycle adventure."
One little guy put up his hand.
"Okay, you. Tell me one."
"We saw a big boat... it was in the water..."
"Good!" I encouraged.
"...And there were dolphins... no no,- a shark!" he exagerated.
"Wow! That is exciting!" I played along.
And then dropping his eyes he mumbled under his breath, "and there was a motorcycle."
Sigh. So close.
But today I"m taking a look at my prayer life. I've been rereading a lot my old journals and my prayers have a common theme of hating being single. Perhaps I'm an at-risk student who should have been enrolled in God's headstart program for early intervention. My prayer life often sound like this:

Monday
God: Okay, children, who has a prayer request today?....Christy?
Me: I want a husband.
God: Okay, good... moving on

Tuesday
God: Okay children who has a prayer request today?...Christy?
Me: I want a husband
God:... um... okay... but you said that yesterday... is there something different you'd like to pray for?
Me:...um... I want to be... married?
God: ..um...okay... yeah.I get that... but what else?
Me: umm...I don't want to be single anymore?
God: [slapping forehead] yes, yes, I know that. but there are other things to pray about,- world peace, children in Africa...anything different you want to add?
Me: oh, yeah.... there are children in Africa who need you help.
God: Good! Good job. Yes, there are children in Africa...
Me:[mubling under my breath] and I want a husband.

Wait...

When Heidi taught preschool, she had "wait cards". When a child tried to interrupt or needed her attention, she would simply hand them a wait card.
Amazingly it seemed to be enough. The child knew she was aware of their need, and that Heidi would give him her attention in just a few seconds. They were not being put off but were willing to wait patiently.
Ingenious idea. I always intended to try it....
But since coming back to the US, I feel like God has given me a wait card. But somehow I've interpreted it as "go figure it out yourself"
Ech, a very frustrating place to be.
He's setting me straight. The other day in a store I saw "Be still and know that I am the Lord" Psalm 46:10.
So I'm reading the card correctly. It says "wait";- Not "fret", not "figure it out", not "I'm unaware"...just "wait."
my eyes have been opened, with a big "Ohhhhhh! I get it now."
:0)

NC

I've been visiting friends and family down south in VA and NC. I love the nice weather (and by nice I mean not freezing) and I've loved catching up with everyone from my school, church, and just old time friends. Here are some pics of all the amazing people in my life!!!!

I'm sick of winter

We all knew Facebook was heaven sent

My email had this message

Garnet Merrill has joined facebook and has confirmed you as a friend.

Dad?

My first thoughts were "Woo-hoo!!!!! we get to facebook in heaven!!!!!!"

After all, facebook is the best known time waster, and if we're gonna be there for all eternity....

Then I realized it was just my brother. Garnet Bryan Merrill.

oh well. I tried.

My Jesus dress

A few years back the Lord told me to radically bless a friend of mine. He was very specific what I should do. So I took some money out of my bank account and set out to do it.

However, on the way I happened to pass Ann Taylor Loft, my favorite store and saw such beautiful dresses in the window. And that made me want a new dress for Easter, which was just around the corner.

Now of course, you know where my mind went. "I could just use some of the money to buy a dress, and then use the rest to bless my friend. After all she doesn't know about it anyway..."

But no I couldn't do that. So I did it exactly as God had instructed me.

But the thought of a new dress still lingered. Wes had invited me and Heidi to his hometown for Easter, and well... I just wanted a new dress.

So I decided to pray about it honestly.

"Lord. I want a new dress. I don't need a dress, I have others that would work. But I just want one. If you could work it out, I'd really appreicaite it. But if not it's okay. I'll wear another one. Amen"

Two days later my friend Heather called me. "Girl I want to go on a girl date with you."

"Okay, well, what did you have in mind?"

"Well I was in the shower praying yesterday, and the lOrd told me I should take you out to lunch and then buy you and Easter dress."

WHAT?!!!!!!

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'the Lord said..."

I started crying. I explained the story to her, and then she started crying.

"You mean I really heard that from the Lord?" she said,

And we carried on like that crying and in shock and happy for each other.

Well, that girl took me out and not only bought me this sooo cute dress at The Gap, but also bought me shoes and a purse to match.

How awesome is life when we step back and let God put things into place instead of always scheming to make it happen for ourselves?

So this is my Jesus dress, that I love to wear. And when eve someone compliments me on such a cute dress I tell them the story.

My God is awesome!!!

ungrateful

Months ago in Swaziland I had to attend a community meeting as a representative for our education program. As always we opened the floor for questions or concerns for the caregivers.I was appalled when a woman stood up and started complaining about the children not having meat at the care point.Are you frickin' kidding me?!!!! I thought to myself I'm so glad I didn't have to take this question because I would not have handled it well. My response would have sounded something like, "Well, we feed 10,000 kids a ample nutritious free meal everyday. We don't force them to eat here. If yours don't like it, they don't have to eat here. They can go home and eat the nothing that you provide for them."I have no grace when it comes to ungratefulness. If these kids are as hungry as the community says they are, then they should have no problem with pap/rice, beans, vegetables and meat on special occasions.Grrrrrrr!!! (But I must say not all of the caregivers felt that way, and some were very apologetic at this woman's request)But to be honest I've caught myself with the same attitude these last few days. I've been shaking my fist at God, angry and whiny about what I don't have, instead of being so grateful for what he has already given me.I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, my health, a wonderful healthy family, food in my belly, clothes on my back, money to pay my bills, friends to talk me off the ledge, I live in a country with freedom and have a Jesus who loves me enough not to strike me dead with a bolt of lightning when I act with such audacity!!!
Sorry Lord. Thank you for showing me all that I already have. Help me to be content, like Paul says, whether I have a little or a lot.

heartbroken

I recieved word that Little Musa has passed away.
I remember an American team visiting just last month and noticing him. They had a concern about a rash they had on his hands and arm.
It's a rash we've seen way too many times as missionaries.
"Maybe it's scabies" someone suggested.
But the Swazi are private people. You don't betray them with your knowledge.
So I smiled and lied. "Yes, maybe it's scabies."
And now this beautiful little boy is gone.
I'm so heartbroken today.

Rise and shine!...yeah, what ever!

While living in Africa, I rose with the sun. In summer that means 4:30-5:00 am.I loved it. I prided myself in it. Ask anyone who has ever lived with me,- I'm a morning person.I'd laze around, drinking my coffee, reading my bible, got ready to start the day and make it to the office by 8:30.

But upon returning to the states...well it's a different story. Ech! I can't pull myself out of bed before 8am. (and to anyone who knows me, that might as well be lunch time) It makes sense, since I've been going to bed between midnight and 2 am.(Gasp! I know. In Africa it as 9pm at the latest!!!!)

So what the heck has happened to me? I don't know if it's the cozy electric blanket, the deep darkness outside, or the cold winter house but I can't get out of bed to save my life! I've tried! I've set my alarm for 6am, but will consistently smack the snooze every 4 minutes until 8.

Well needless to say, since I've decided to start subbing this will cause a problem.For the past 2 days, the phone has rang just after 8 with positions available starting near 9am. Well of course that's impossible for me!And then yesterday it occurred to me. If I want to work, I will have to get up, get ready for the day, so when a call comes at 8, I can walk out the door.

Ohhhhh, I was conflicted about this one.Could I actually get ready to start a day without guarantee for work?I really had to psyche myself up for this one. And since I was so tired I went to bed early last night. And as I went to sleep, the Jekyll and Hyde voices began in my head:

You'll get a nice night's sleep and wake up at 6am with the alarm. You can do this Christy.

Well of course I went to bed so early, my body thought I was taking a nap and woke up at 12:30. It took a while to go back to sleep.

Now you've lost too much sleep. you will be tired in the morning. You'll never be able to get up.

So at 6am the alarm went off and the snooze slapping began.

you have to get up christy. you'll get work today. you will. and it will feel good!

No, this is crap. just go to sleep. just rest. you don't need to work today.

slap. slap

Christy, this is called being self-disciplined. you need that remember? Just like your exercising. get up. make yourself.

Get up? For what? You might not even get called.

slap. slap.

C'mon girl, you can do it!

Reaching over my head I flicked the lights on. The voice in my head went up an octave to feign cheeriness.

See? it's like the bright African sun! it's morning. Get up sunshine!

I got up and staggered downstairs started the coffee pot. I staggered to put my socks on. I staggered into the bathroom.

Look at yourself in the mirror girl! You look rough! Go back to bed! You don't even want to work today do you?
"No I don't. Maybe they won't call today."

Yes, you do.

So step by step I rolled my hair, put on makeup, brushed my teeth, and got dressed all by 8am....

"Maybe they won't call today. But they will call today.I want them to call today... oh please don't call today."
no call.
So it's 8:30 and I am completely ready to start the day... and yet have no day to start.
Tomorrow I will have to do the same thing. Ugh. I can hear the voices already.

You know I'm reading Ezekiel this morning. The Lord was speaking about shepherds who abuse their privileges and neglect their flock. Yep, I could finger point.Then he talks about the sheep and the goats. Okay, know that one. Believers and not really believers.But then look at this Ezekiel 34:20"Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will surely judge between the fat sheep and the scrawny sheep. For you fat sheep push and butt and crowd my sick and hungry flock until they are scattered to distant lands. So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused and destroyed. and I will judge between one sheep and another."This is the delicate Christians being abused by other Christians. Yikes. You know it just goes back to what the Lord has been trying to instill in my about loving everyone... not just the happy people, the nicely-put-together people, not just the not-too-high maintenance people. But he wants me to love the "freaks & geeks" crowd too.I just keep being drawn back to Jesus saying, "You will be known as my followers by the love you show to one another.

Miracle on the Hudson,- very cool

We now return to our regularly scheduled program....

While I've been nesting, I've been listening to some podcasts from Celebration church (thanks for the recommendation mike)
This awakening series has really spoken to me.
And while he's talking about the Daniel fast, food isn't really an inhibitor for me these days. however tv has been! I've gorged myself like a fat kid in cake!
So for the next 21 days, I am fasting all tv before 6pm. ( I now that doesn't seem like a challenge but it is. I am obsessed with the today show, so by not watching it my day starts 4 hours earlier.) I think my QT will be much more productive and I will be closer to Him as a result.
Stay tuned!!!

Snow fest

So what so states in the north do in the winter? They have a snow festival of course!Frakenmuth Michigan has this fest every year.

even if you've never come to the winterfest, everyone has come to Frakenmuth to visit Bronners, the world's largest Christmas store (I was in heaven) eat chicken at Zehnders, or buy fudge, sausage, cheese or pretzles the the Kandy Haus, or Cheese Haus (or any other Haus...someone should teach these Germans to spell)
Now this year there was a high school competition in snow carving.
my high school was there. When did my high school get a snow sculpting team? I mean, I'm not much of an artist, but I can rock a snow man!!!!!! And there was icy putt putt.

and a warm lunch later...
but you get the point