heartbroken

I recieved word that Little Musa has passed away.
I remember an American team visiting just last month and noticing him. They had a concern about a rash they had on his hands and arm.
It's a rash we've seen way too many times as missionaries.
"Maybe it's scabies" someone suggested.
But the Swazi are private people. You don't betray them with your knowledge.
So I smiled and lied. "Yes, maybe it's scabies."
And now this beautiful little boy is gone.
I'm so heartbroken today.

Rise and shine!...yeah, what ever!

While living in Africa, I rose with the sun. In summer that means 4:30-5:00 am.I loved it. I prided myself in it. Ask anyone who has ever lived with me,- I'm a morning person.I'd laze around, drinking my coffee, reading my bible, got ready to start the day and make it to the office by 8:30.

But upon returning to the states...well it's a different story. Ech! I can't pull myself out of bed before 8am. (and to anyone who knows me, that might as well be lunch time) It makes sense, since I've been going to bed between midnight and 2 am.(Gasp! I know. In Africa it as 9pm at the latest!!!!)

So what the heck has happened to me? I don't know if it's the cozy electric blanket, the deep darkness outside, or the cold winter house but I can't get out of bed to save my life! I've tried! I've set my alarm for 6am, but will consistently smack the snooze every 4 minutes until 8.

Well needless to say, since I've decided to start subbing this will cause a problem.For the past 2 days, the phone has rang just after 8 with positions available starting near 9am. Well of course that's impossible for me!And then yesterday it occurred to me. If I want to work, I will have to get up, get ready for the day, so when a call comes at 8, I can walk out the door.

Ohhhhh, I was conflicted about this one.Could I actually get ready to start a day without guarantee for work?I really had to psyche myself up for this one. And since I was so tired I went to bed early last night. And as I went to sleep, the Jekyll and Hyde voices began in my head:

You'll get a nice night's sleep and wake up at 6am with the alarm. You can do this Christy.

Well of course I went to bed so early, my body thought I was taking a nap and woke up at 12:30. It took a while to go back to sleep.

Now you've lost too much sleep. you will be tired in the morning. You'll never be able to get up.

So at 6am the alarm went off and the snooze slapping began.

you have to get up christy. you'll get work today. you will. and it will feel good!

No, this is crap. just go to sleep. just rest. you don't need to work today.

slap. slap

Christy, this is called being self-disciplined. you need that remember? Just like your exercising. get up. make yourself.

Get up? For what? You might not even get called.

slap. slap.

C'mon girl, you can do it!

Reaching over my head I flicked the lights on. The voice in my head went up an octave to feign cheeriness.

See? it's like the bright African sun! it's morning. Get up sunshine!

I got up and staggered downstairs started the coffee pot. I staggered to put my socks on. I staggered into the bathroom.

Look at yourself in the mirror girl! You look rough! Go back to bed! You don't even want to work today do you?
"No I don't. Maybe they won't call today."

Yes, you do.

So step by step I rolled my hair, put on makeup, brushed my teeth, and got dressed all by 8am....

"Maybe they won't call today. But they will call today.I want them to call today... oh please don't call today."
no call.
So it's 8:30 and I am completely ready to start the day... and yet have no day to start.
Tomorrow I will have to do the same thing. Ugh. I can hear the voices already.

You know I'm reading Ezekiel this morning. The Lord was speaking about shepherds who abuse their privileges and neglect their flock. Yep, I could finger point.Then he talks about the sheep and the goats. Okay, know that one. Believers and not really believers.But then look at this Ezekiel 34:20"Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will surely judge between the fat sheep and the scrawny sheep. For you fat sheep push and butt and crowd my sick and hungry flock until they are scattered to distant lands. So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused and destroyed. and I will judge between one sheep and another."This is the delicate Christians being abused by other Christians. Yikes. You know it just goes back to what the Lord has been trying to instill in my about loving everyone... not just the happy people, the nicely-put-together people, not just the not-too-high maintenance people. But he wants me to love the "freaks & geeks" crowd too.I just keep being drawn back to Jesus saying, "You will be known as my followers by the love you show to one another.

Miracle on the Hudson,- very cool

We now return to our regularly scheduled program....

While I've been nesting, I've been listening to some podcasts from Celebration church (thanks for the recommendation mike)
This awakening series has really spoken to me.
And while he's talking about the Daniel fast, food isn't really an inhibitor for me these days. however tv has been! I've gorged myself like a fat kid in cake!
So for the next 21 days, I am fasting all tv before 6pm. ( I now that doesn't seem like a challenge but it is. I am obsessed with the today show, so by not watching it my day starts 4 hours earlier.) I think my QT will be much more productive and I will be closer to Him as a result.
Stay tuned!!!

Snow fest

So what so states in the north do in the winter? They have a snow festival of course!Frakenmuth Michigan has this fest every year.

even if you've never come to the winterfest, everyone has come to Frakenmuth to visit Bronners, the world's largest Christmas store (I was in heaven) eat chicken at Zehnders, or buy fudge, sausage, cheese or pretzles the the Kandy Haus, or Cheese Haus (or any other Haus...someone should teach these Germans to spell)
Now this year there was a high school competition in snow carving.
my high school was there. When did my high school get a snow sculpting team? I mean, I'm not much of an artist, but I can rock a snow man!!!!!! And there was icy putt putt.

and a warm lunch later...
but you get the point

My room

okay I've been working on getting the house the way I like it... a long journey but it's okay, what else to I have to do?So these are before/after pics of my attic bedroom. I'm not real thrilled with the blue'gray color,- a bit too blue for my taste. But it's livable for now.

lol!!!!!

Okay I thought it was hilarious when I heard on tv that Barak Obama had complimented Beyonce on her "single ladies" dance, and he wanted to learn it himself. Of course his daughters rolled their eyes in embarrassment.But it you've ever seen Barak Obama try to dance, it's a funny thought. (He is half white you know.)So, just 4 days later, lookie what is on the internet.(Word of warning, go to the toilet first so you don't wet yourself.)BarakIf this link doesn't take you staight there, type "barak, single ladies spoof"
If you live and Africa, and haven't seen the Beyonce video, watch it first...other wise it won't make sense.

Don't trust 'em 2002

He thought it would be safe to leave me alone with a three year old.
"Remember when you came last time to Aunt Debbie's? You and me played that game?"
"No, honey, that wasn't me..."
She puzzled. "Yes, when you came last time...."
"No, I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never been to Aunt Debbie's house before today."
She rolled her eyes in frustrations. "(SIGH) Uncle Jimmy's got too many white girlfriends."

Hmmm....

Not really sure what I'm going through right now. I'm sure everyone would say it's normal,- a few already have.
But I guess I've just been feeling...tired.
Worn out really.
Spiritually and emotionally exhausted. How do you get refreshed in that?
I mean, if I was physically tired, I'd take a nap, but emotionally?....
I guess it just hit me while I was driving to Kentucky, and I realized that the idea of making even one more little change in life made me want to cry.
I'm longing for stabilty,- lots and lots of stability.
I've been pushing myself to get all of my subbing paperwork in, and fingerprinting completed so I could start working. But then I found myself every day thinking "Oh dear God, I hope they don't call me to work."
I just can't do it right now.
I guess this is the re-entry struggle that so many warned me about.

My trip to Kentucky

This weekend I traveled to Kentucky to visit my friends who are now at seminary. I love them so much, and have missed them!

When you want to get involved in it,when you want to make it happen,when you're desperate to put your hands in,it takes just as much faith to sit stillas it does to move to Africa.

Thanks Becca!

You know it's funny that Becca and I didn't become friends really until we both moved back to America. While I always liked her, we seemed to just run in different Swazi cirlces and didn't get a lot of face time with one another,- you know how it goes, different ministries, different towns.
But now that were both back in the US we've connected more and she's been a wonderful support in my transitioning.
She has given me the greatest gift today! She has become my 15th blog follower, and therefore I now have 3 even rows of five pictures there on the side.
It looks to nice. See her pretty picture there?
I know that's a dumb thing but I like it.
So if one of you want to be a follower you are more than welcome... but try to get 4 other friends to follow as well, okay?

I should have put this before

I told you last month about the tremendous support we had for the Children's Cup Christmas Party.Well I had these verses in mind, but I just couldn't find them.So here they are:

Exodus 35:21 If their hearts were stirred and they desired to do so, they brought to the LORD their offerings...

36:6 So Moses gave the command and this message was sent throughout the camp: "Bring no more materials! You have already given more than enough." So the people stopped bringing their offerings.

Their contributions were more than enough to complete the whole project.How awesome is that?!!!! The people believed so strongly in the project that they gave an gave and it was more than enough! And that is exactly what we saw for these Christmas parties!Thank you so much for all of the churches who supported the parties. I know you will be blessed for being such a blessing.

Talking myself out of my own good ideas.

I'm learning once again just to sit back, chill, and let God be God. I get frustrated easily when God prompts me in a certain direction, I run with it, and then He decides He doesn't really want to do it that way. Here is a link to a previous post where I "learned" this lesson.
say what
And sometimes I get easily frustrated when I think I know what he's doing, and then he does it another way,- without telling me anything about it, so I panic thinking nothing is getting done. Here's a link to that lesson "learned"
Joshua
The only thing that keeps me going these days is the fact that I'm an old lady and have had a few year with the Lord under my belt. And when I look back I can see how he has come through for me in other areas,-and that reassures me that he will come through in my current struggles as well.
The one I keep thinking about is about his provision.He started speaking to me years ago about living debt free. I didn't have a lot of debt really, but took this into consideration.
"Do you mean, like, bad debt? Like credit card debt? Or do you mean, like all debt, like even normal people debt?You and I both know there is a difference. Even financial ad visors tell you debt on mortgages aren't really bad because you are investing in something that appreciates, and you can sell it and recoup your money. So that's not a bad debt. Right? I mean how do you ever own anything if you don't take a loan? You can't just pay for a house in cash."
He didn't answer.But it kept coming up.
So I worked hard to finish my car payments, and doubled up on some student loan payments until it was done. Well since I don't carry credit card debt that only left the mortgage on my condo. And of course I did those little tricks like paying on the 15th to trim the years off, or pay on the principal. But He and I both knew it was going to take a while to pay that off.So before I went to Africa he made me sell it, along with my car.
"Well..okay...I'm debt-free now... but I don't own anything..."
And of course I'd gone from my already low-paying teaching job to a non-paying missionary job.
To add insult to injury the Lord often prompted me to give money away during this time. Yeah, to just random people who'd I encounter who needed financial help in this area or that area. He'd tell me to give them $X amount with a heavy conviction in my heart until I did.
And last year when I heard that I was returning to the US, He told me to give away all of my African things.
"What? give it away? I have to sell it so I can start over, there. You made me get rid of everything. How am I suppose to get a car and a apartment and furnishings?"
But once again it was that obedience thing."
Fine I'll do it."
And it was 3 months later that my dad died and my brother offered me his half of the house and truck at a dirt cheap price.And just like that, I owned a house, all the furnishings, and a truck debt free.Just like the Lord had encouraged me to aim for years ago.
How does that happen?!!!!!!!! That's crazy!!!!!
From the world's perspective, I seemed to be going in the opposite direction,- no official job, giving stuff away, selling off assets.
Yet God worked it out.
Now, as I sit watching news reports of family after family loosing homes to foreclosures, or dropping home values, I am grateful that He removed that mindset that mortgages are necessary and harmless.
So daily I'm reflecting on this example that God does work it out,- even if I don't understand what his plan it. He's setting things in motion even if I can't see what he's doing.

A little companionship...

I'm lonely today and want to call some friends. I just want to hear their voices and listen to their stories.
But inevitably they ask "How are you doing?" or "How are you adjusting" and there is just no desire to talk about these things today. I can't explain in words how I'm feeling, or what I'm praying for, or beleiving God for. It's just to big and too overwhelming to try to wrap a word around it.
So I'm holed up today in the beautiful snow, comtemplating making a nice salad for dinner and deciding not to go to wednesday night church. I just can't do the introductions and explainations tonight.

The shoe

Coming back to the US has been easy. A little too easy.
What is wrong with me? Why doesn't such a huge change effect me?
I'm fine feeling like a princess with every luxury like canned soup and central heating.
"Do you miss Pumpkin?" Patrick asked.
Nope. My new truck is better.
Nor to I miss bugs and sweat.
The snow is pretty and all of my food has high-fructose corn syrup,-the way I like it.
But still is was unnerving the way I transitioned so easily back into America.
Every missionary will tell you going home is hard and emotional.
I even read a book to prepare me.
Yet I came home, with no hard, and no emotional.
What's wrong with me?" I asked Becca. "Am I emotionally stagnant?"
She reassured me it might be okay.
Maybe I've just had it easier upon reentry. People have read my blogs this whole time, so I don't feel as though no one wants to hear my stories. And I'm not living with family and searching desperately for a job. I have this adorable little house, and my own space. Maybe I've just been sheltered from the additional stress that comes from reentry.
But all along I've waited for the other shoe to drop....
Then this morning,- the shoe.
Today I felt like a worthless drudge whose life could not be more meaningless. I sobbed in my American thinking chair (which is so much better than my African thinking chair)because I am unemployed and unemployable.Then I sobbed that I don't have health insurance. Then I sobbed that everyone in the world is having a baby, or a second baby, or a third baby, yet I, at 31, am approaching death with my petrified ovum and unused womb, as a spinster. Then I lamented the fact that I was sobbing to myself because I know no one in Flint anymore and therefore had no one to lament to.
Eventually I pulled myself together, (because I had to go out into public) and before too long I found my self in Barnes & Isn't-living-in-America-Great Nobel with a tea and a copy of Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking
And while I read 2/3 of her manic depressive/comedic life story, I began to feel better about my own life.
Funny the things that cheer you up.And now I'm back to feeling fine.