The lights are on, is anybody home?

Last week I left my porch light on all day. The sun came up and I forgot it was there.
When I drove home from work I noticed it was on.
"Hmmm. I'll have to remember to turn it off when I go inside."
But of course I got distracted and forgot all about it. So it was on until evening.
Isn't it funny that when the day is sunny you don't even notice a bright light is shining. You have no need for it.
But when the darkness comes... oh when the darkness comes.

Why is it so easy to forget about the light when the days are sunny? Maybe we feel we don't need Him. Maybe you are the kind of person who does recognize your need for Him everyday. But even so, I'm sure you pursue Him 10 times more in a time of darkness.

"sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." Ecclesiastes 7:3

"... Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich I may deny you and say 'Who is the Lord?'..." Proverbs 30:8-9

I've never likes these two verses, but I respect the truth in them. They hold a mirror to our human condition, even if they don't tickle our ears.

Christmas lights

I've been waking up early each day even though I'm on break. I enjoy looking out into the dark morning to see the Christmas lights on my bushes.
This week the mornings have been soooo dark, making the lights even more beautiful.
Today it struck me,- it's during the darkest days of the year that we choose to celebrate the coming of the light.

My Dylan

Heidi use to say, "If I could find a man who loved me half as much as my students do, I'd be a happy woman"
Students have the tendency to adore you! And it makes me adore them so much in return. My little Dylan currently holds the title of the "sweetest thing"
A few weeks ago we were learning the word "lovely." We used it in all different context and really he just showed no recognition and didn't really care about it.
Finally a few weeks later he asked to see my name badge again. He loves to look at the picture and run his fingers over my name and read it.
"Your hair down" he said.
"Yes, my hair was straight that day. I didn't curl it."
He stared at it lovingly. "(sigh)ahhhh. ....lovely"
Oh I could just kiss him!
I also taught him the word "gentle" after he slapped my hand away one day. He seemed to grasp that one right away. When I stood up he patted my butt.
"Gentle" he said.
I couldn't help but laugh. Yes, gentle. Inappropriate, but gentle.

Ex 21:8 If she is displeasing in the eyes of her master who designated her for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed.......

Yes, I know this is about a female slave, but it spoke to me this morning. This one sentence jumped out.

I have been displeasing in the eyes of my master who designated me for Himself.... thank you Jesus for redeeming me.

And now a word from our sponsor:

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT. THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS EXPRESSED DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE THE VIEWS OF THE NETWORK OR THEIR STAFF.

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Oh the blessings

I've been loving my new job. No 8am is a not a perfect time, and 5 days a week has been difficult to get use too again, but I'm managing. I come home less that exhausted and can sleep in a tiny bit later than when I was teaching.
But already there are things that make me smile each day.
For example, one student Dylan is from Vietnam. He pronounces this l's as r's. So while singing his phonics song to me he sang, "J, juh...jerrybeans!" It was so cute. Now I have no choice but to call jellybeans "jerrybeans", just like I call noodles, "noogles." This little kindergardener also guesses wildly at his reading instead of looking at picture clues. As we read a book "I like" we came to a page with a boy sleeping. I prompted him, "I Like to ssssssss."
"I like to sandwich!!!!!
"No Dylan,-"
"I like to snake!!!"
ha ha, he never did get it. I finally had to tell him.
But even better is the blessing of knowing I'm helping these children. I have an 8th grader who most teachers have dismisses as un-motivated and is failing almost every class. (amazing after 4 weeks huh?)
I was dreading working with him thinking I was going to get resistance and attitude from a kid who didn't want me around him.
But on the second day he and I worked together to understand the preamble to the constitution. It only took about 15 minutes work outside of the class and he had a decent grasp of its meaning. As I started to leave that day, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Thank you."
Oh, that was better than any paycheck. And now each day I see him, his face immediately lights up. We always have big hurdles to tackle, but we are making progress in the right direction.

Dressed for battle

David was sent into battle. He tried to wear Saul’s armor, but didn’t feel comfortable in it.
It wasn’t made for him. He shrugged it off and succeeded in defeating Goliath with just a sling and a stone, the weapons he was use it.
Recently I’ve been trying to be patient in a very frustrating situation. It’s been dragging on for over five months. I’ve been patient, I’ve been understanding, and I’ve been calm.
And nothing was getting done.
That’s it. I’ve had enough. Nothing ever gets done when you are kind. I’m getting nasty.I made the call I needed.
Now I wasn’t rude or offensive in anyway. I didn’t cuss him out, or make empty threats. But I let know I meant business and I got immediate results.
“Do you see why I hate being a woman? “ I complained to Steve. “No one takes you seriously unless you act like a bitch. It’s the only way to get anything accomplished.”
But regardless of results, the whole situation left me feeling icky.
I still had to settle up with this guy, and I was absolutely dreading going through the whole hard-edge routine again.
It went on for a few days. I really wasn’t sure how I was gonna handle the whole situation.
I sat in my thinking chair hugging my bible. “Lord, I’m sure you have an answer for me in here somewhere. But I have no idea where to look.”
I opened my bible and landed on Colossians 3 and found these verses UNDERLINED:

8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language…12 Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourself…

(and at this point as my eyes were going down to the next line to read I thought to myself, ‘I know how to dress for battle. It’s in Ephesians 6, breast plate of righteousness, shoes of piece, blah blah blah)

Then my eyes settled on the next line and saw: …with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you… And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love.. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony, And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your heart.”

Wow. I felt the Lord speaking to my heart:
You’ve felt so uncomfortable because, like David, you were trying to wear armor that was not created for you.
Ugh.
So from here on out, the hard edge bitch is not an option. It’s fine, I’ve never enjoyed it. It’s just not me. I guess this is the point I follow his lead, and Allow Him to fight my battles.

More of my ponderings...

Sometimes people say, "I'm not sure what God's will is in this situation..." and when things turn out okay they assume they must have unknowingly stumbled upon it.
Other times I've heard the arguement against biblical ideas, "How can that be wrong? I know so-and-so and they've done that and they have a blessed life."
But in Genesis 17: 19 we see that things that we create ourselves can still be blessed by God.

"...as for Ishmael, I will bless him also, just as you have asked. I will cause him to multiply and become a great nation. Twelve princes will be among his descendants. But my covenant is with Isaac, who will be born to you and Sarah about this time next year."

Also, hundreds of years later, God gave his people a king when they asked for him, although his intention was always for them to be governed my him. And in spite of that He still longed to bless them.

Getting out of the will of God doesn't always result in the proverbial slap on the wrist. Sometimes we are still blessed inspite of it.

So now I have to ask the tough question, and maybe you should ask this of yourself too: How important is it to me to remain in his will?
Or does it not matter so long as I am blessed?

The answer exposes...

Am I a woman after God's own heart?... or a woman after his blessing?

Goodbye Ishmael

We always think Abraham didn't infact have to sacrifice his son, because God stopped him at the last minute.
The willingness was all that actually mattered.
By sparing Isaac, the Lord kept Abraham from losing everything.
But we forget Abraham did have another son that he did have to sacrifice...the son of his own planning.
Even though he was not the "son of promise" I doubt that Abraham loved him any less.
I doubt casting him out was a simple thing.
There are time God requires us to let go of things we love so much. Especially if it is things we've conjured up ourselves.
It's not an easy thing to do.
Necessary.
But not easy.

The Job!

Sometimes I can't see the whole picture. I don't understand the plan. But I love as it all unfolds.
I just got a job! I a job, that when I first learned about it, I thought, "Nah, that's not for me. I'm not interseted."
But as time went on, I realized, "This is my job. This is the one I'm suppose to have."
And sure enough, I applied and got it.
I'll be working throughout Gennessee County with English as a Second Languge Students. I'll go from school to school working with students 1-1, small groups or even in the classroom.
I feel so blessed. I can't be in Swaziland anymore, but God is bringing multiple nations to me!
I can not tell you how excited I am about this, and how much I love these children already. I've never met them but I'm praying for them and their families already.
Who knows what doors might open!

I've been feeling so unsettled this week. There is just so much brewing in my brain, it's hard to get much relief.
I've been back for 8 months now.
Why?
What am I suppose to be doing back here in Flint? I'm just so unsatisfied with everything.
The rest and novelty of being unemployed have been gone for a while. I'm bored, and find myself filling my days with meaningless activities that now bring no amusement.
I want to go back to work. But doing what?
Teaching? That would be the easy answer. But I can't really say I'm suppose to be teaching. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to teach,- trust me. But I feel like that's the easy way out.
I remember years ago hearing a sermon about after Jesus' death the disciples went back to what they knew.
They'd had this amazing experience with Jesus, and then it all seemed to end and in their confusion and doubt they went back to whatever it was before. We see that when Jesus found Peter again he was fishing. He questioned his love and commitment 3 times and prophesied about who Peter would become.
I feel so much like Peter right now. Coming off the mission field to .....what?
Like Peter, I find myself scratching my head and thinking, "It wasn't suppose to be this way."
I want so desperately to grab onto and cling to anything "normal" or "safe" or "familiar" or "regular"
God has grabbed hold of me this week, through different conversations with people, and given me a good shake.
I'm sensing once again that I'm missing something I shouldn't. If I believe what I say I believe, shouldn't my life look different?
But I think I'm afraid of that difference. I'm afraid of the boldness. I'm afraid of that life which he will call me to. I'm afraid to encounter Jesus on that beach and have him question my love, my commitment, and prophesy who I will become.

Humility

As John Ortberg defines it, humility is letting God be God. I've always liked that definition.
He tells a story in his book The Life you Always Wanted about a christian school who was putting on a play, and one little boy was assigned the part of God. His job was to stand on a ladder, shine a flashlight down and read his lines. But one day at practice he told the teacher, "I can't do this. I just feel too crazy to be God today."
That story makes me smile on those days when I've tried, (and failed) to work my own plan. These are the days I have to throw up my hands and say, "Ugh, It's too much work to be God today." And that's when humility sinks in.
Oh yeah, I"m not suppose to be God.

It's happened a lot lately.

If you can't tell, the newness and fun and relaxation of being unemployed has worn off. I'm ready for something...anything.
I'm bored.

I know some of you don't believe it's possible but day after day on nothingness gets old after 8 months.

And job hunting in Michigan is no easy feat right now, so I often find myself discouraged. Considering I don't really know what I want to do doesn't help things either.

So the last few days I've really had to let go and let God be God. I'm starting to think this job will be something I just kinda stumble upon, like everything else in my life right now.

I stumbled upon Vilma. I stumbled upon Jabu. I stumbled upon Steve. I wasn't looking for any of them, and yet God has brought them into my life,- and I am so blessed by each of them.

Susan blogged today about complaining, and the definition is "to find fault in."

Yikes!

How can I find fault in God's perfect plan? His plan to bless me, and give me a future and a hope? He is for me. He can be trusted. Oh shame on me for saying it's not right.

Humility. I have to bring myself back to it daily. I need to let God be God.

I'm late

I'm sure I've talked about this before. I feel like I'm late in life.
I guess I've done everything else later than my friends.
My friends went off to college right away.
I stayed in Flint for a year.
My friends all moved away for college or work.
I waited until I was 24.
My friends are all married with kids (or so it seems)
And yet at 32...nuthin.'
This started up again last night, when I added a former co-worker as a face book friend.
He's listed as married.
How could he be married? He just got engaged.
But he'd just got engaged when I saw him 2 years ago.
Once again it's that black hole vortex of Africa. Where you go and life zooms by so quickly and then when you come back, you realize that life has gone on without you in so many different areas, and you are no further along than before.
It's a crappy feeling.
So now that I've vented I have to go and practice my latest routine.
When I'm feeling crappy I've been making myself sit down, and list what I "know" is bucolically true, as opposed to what I'm "feeling"
Feelings can't be trusted. They are too fickle.
But before I did that, I just wanted to emotionally vomit.

Sad

I've been going through the stores and seeing all of the Back-to-school displays:
new crayons, new pencils, back packs, glue sticks, and all of the wonderful smells of new school supplies.
And this year I have no part in it.
I know I haven't taught in 2 years, but I was away from all of the festivities.
This year seeing it all has made me sad. I want to be part of this again, and I'm just not. I spent the afternoon in Borders and walked through the kid's section.
Tons of my favorite stories were there, and I have no one to but them for.
Bummer. This has really gotten me down.

In 2006 I took a trip in my time machine to snap photos of celebs in the future
Oh my, they don't age well.
Well, you might not have been a loyal reader then, but you can check the archives. And now, I'm at it again:

My hormones have been going crazy, and they are threatening to ruin my life.
My emotions have been off the wall.
I woke up this morning on the verge of tears, and I can't even tell you why. Is waking up really that upsetting?

And different circumstances in life have just had a field day with this. Typical life stuff, and medium size decisions have suddenly threatened to be my ruin with the hormones influencing everything.
But in the midst of all this, I've found peace.

Yup. Peace.

Somehow, one day recently I realized to take my own advice. People often say "how do I know if I'm doing the right thing? This or that?" And they get all worked up into a tizzy. I always tell them, "If you are truly trying to follow God, and trying your best to hear him and obey Him, then he won't let you miss it. He'll make it clear to you."
So I decided to do nothing these last few days. I put my "feelings" to the side, since they can't be trusted anyway. I have put the situations out of my head and decided to "Think about what ever is good, what ever is pure...."
and I trust that the Lord will make His way known.

Confucius says...

Three days ago I was thinking how happy I was to have a cat.
Not a dog.
A cat.
Cats snuggle but don't bark. They are independent. They are low maitenance.
You don't have to potty them. You can run free and have no responsibility. You don't have to let them out every few hours.
You can leave them with a huge bowl of kibble and go up north for a few nights.
Cats are perfect pets.
Then two days ago a little dog wandered into my yard.
Where did you come from little guy...girl...whatever you are?

I am home now. its little wag seemed to say.
I want to sit in your lap.
I want you to rub my belly 'til I sleep.
I'm your baby.
I love you

It seemed confused.
I'm not it's momma. But it had no tags and no neighbor knew where he belonged.

what are you? a boy or a girl?
No answer.
Well go pee then. Boys hike, girls squat.

Obediently, the little dog walked into the grass.
It squatted...and hike it's leg at the same time. This 3-legged balancing triangle had me in stitches.
This dog is very confused.
I named it Confucius.

But I don't want a dog.

I began to fall for it.
No! No! I have a cat. I don't need a dog.

But the cat loved it.
With soft slowing wispy fur, the cat thought I'd brought him an animated cat toy. He bound through the house swatting at it.

The dog did not love the cat back.

But this is responsibility. I didn't ask for this!
My God, it felt like an unplanned pregnancy.

Finally, I decided I had to find it's home. Confucius was obviously cared for. Some one would be missing him...er...her. I pictured in my mind an old granny in the near by neighborhood calling for her baby... crying.

Yes, I had to find its home.

My tobacco chewing mail man said there was a home nearby that had a little dog like it. He told me the address.
I put Confucius in the car and we took a drive.

Ringing the doorbell I heard lots of other little dogs yipping inside.
Are you missing a little black dog?
Yes.
I have it here.
I handed Confusious over to a non-granny.
Oh thank you.. All of Grand Blanc will know her sooner or later. She gets out all of the time.
Well...she didn't have a collar on.Blank stare.
Yeah, well, we really need to get that fence fixed....I didn't even know she was missing. I just got home form work. I figured she was holed up somewhere sleeping.

Grrr to you non-granny. Very Grrr.

So now the cat and I are keeping our eyes out for the animated cat toy to come through to our fixed-fence yard again. We have a collar waiting for Confucius and we will notice when she is gone.

I would welcome the responsibility.

The job search

Warning this is PG-13 Reader be warned

You know I've been looking for a job. Anything that I'd enjoy really. A few months ago I saw an ad posted for a writer... a blog writer.
I thought, "wow! local, paid per article, I can do this."
so I wrote an inquiry to ask more details.

So the response was:

We are looking for local blog writers to review our adult products and toys. You will need to use each product and write your review and opinion of each one....

Ummmmmm.........what? ahhhhhhh.......no.
I couldn't help but call Heidi laughing.
"Girl, I have been neither single, nor unemployed long enough to take that job."

Hey buddy, go google yourself!

Hey have you ever timed your name into google and seen what popped up? Man, look what I've apparently been up to:



Homicide suspect arrested for bond violations

Julie Holmquist 02.MAY.07

POLK COUNTY - A Luck man out on a $50,000 bond and facing Polk County felony homicide charges was arrested Monday at the Turtle Lake Casino for bond violations.

The St. Croix Tribal Police and Turtle Lake Police arrested Derek Mosay, 21, around 12:30 a.m. in a Turtle Lake St. Croix Casino hotel room. Mosay was found with Christy Merrill, 23, Siren, in the hotel room with empty bottles of beer.

Some of the conditions of the bond were no drinking of alcohol and no contact with Merrill.

Merrill was also arrested on a Polk County misdemeanor bail-jumping charge.

Mosay is accused of backing a van over Mike Ellis, a 45-year-old from the Round Lake community who was found dead last fall at his home.

Ellis died after Mosay allegedly backed Ellis’ van over his body following a fight at Ellis’ home on 211 60th Street.

Witnesses told Polk County investigators in September that Ellis had intervened in a fight between Mosay and Merrill, Mosay’s girlfriend at that time.

Mosay pled not guilty last November on charges of homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle and second-degree reckless homicide. Each felony count carries a possible maximum sentence of 25 years in prison, a fine of $100,000, or both.

Mosay also pled not guilty to misdemeanor battery charges. A charge of resisting an officer was dismissed at that time.

On Monday, authorities said a preliminary test indicated Mosay had an alcohol level of .144, and Merrill had an alcohol level of .180, which is above the legal limit.

Mosay was out of jail on a $50,000 bond after paying a cash amount of $15,000.

Years ago I remember the Lord speaking to me "You can have everything that you want, it will just look very different than you imagined."
I had forgotten about that for a long time and was just reminded of it yesterday.
I came back to america in December with lots of ideas of what I wanted and how it would look. Through the months each of my ideas have gone down in a blaze of glory! I've been totally pruned.
But realizing this, I've let go of my expectations, and have been praying that God renew each aspect in his way.
And he has begun bit by bit to give me all the things I want,- in such surprising ways.
You already know about Jabu, the most wonderful pet companion in the shape of a cat.
But now the Lord has placed the most wonderful encouraging loving friend in my life, Vilma.
You know I've been strugglin here to make friends. Not just regular aquaintances that you say hi to at church, but real deep, honest friendships. The people in Flint are just so different and I often feel out of place, like I don't fit in with these people.
A week ago I was doing laundry and there was a ring at my doorbell.
Who could that be?
I went to the door and was greeted by a smiling face.
"helloo. I nuw jur fathar. I'm Vilma. Vilma Jobb. Cuum. Let us seet here and talk."
The little Hungarian woman, whom I seem to tower over, teetered to the the porch chairs. I followed and we sat and talked.
It almost seemed as though we'd known each other for years.
She told me she began visiting my father 8 years ago when he was selling his garden vegetables. I remembered my dad speaking fondly of her, saying she reminded him of his mother. Through the years she's befriended our neighbors, my aunt, my mom and stepdad, and now me.
Everytime I leave her presence, I feel like I've been with an angel. She is just precious.
So Thank you Lord for giving me a new friend. I never would have chosen an 85 year old Hungarian refugee myself, but am so glad you did.