I've been feeling so unsettled this week. There is just so much brewing in my brain, it's hard to get much relief.
I've been back for 8 months now.
Why?
What am I suppose to be doing back here in Flint? I'm just so unsatisfied with everything.
The rest and novelty of being unemployed have been gone for a while. I'm bored, and find myself filling my days with meaningless activities that now bring no amusement.
I want to go back to work. But doing what?
Teaching? That would be the easy answer. But I can't really say I'm suppose to be teaching. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to teach,- trust me. But I feel like that's the easy way out.
I remember years ago hearing a sermon about after Jesus' death the disciples went back to what they knew.
They'd had this amazing experience with Jesus, and then it all seemed to end and in their confusion and doubt they went back to whatever it was before. We see that when Jesus found Peter again he was fishing. He questioned his love and commitment 3 times and prophesied about who Peter would become.
I feel so much like Peter right now. Coming off the mission field to .....what?
Like Peter, I find myself scratching my head and thinking, "It wasn't suppose to be this way."
I want so desperately to grab onto and cling to anything "normal" or "safe" or "familiar" or "regular"
God has grabbed hold of me this week, through different conversations with people, and given me a good shake.
I'm sensing once again that I'm missing something I shouldn't. If I believe what I say I believe, shouldn't my life look different?
But I think I'm afraid of that difference. I'm afraid of the boldness. I'm afraid of that life which he will call me to. I'm afraid to encounter Jesus on that beach and have him question my love, my commitment, and prophesy who I will become.

Humility

As John Ortberg defines it, humility is letting God be God. I've always liked that definition.
He tells a story in his book The Life you Always Wanted about a christian school who was putting on a play, and one little boy was assigned the part of God. His job was to stand on a ladder, shine a flashlight down and read his lines. But one day at practice he told the teacher, "I can't do this. I just feel too crazy to be God today."
That story makes me smile on those days when I've tried, (and failed) to work my own plan. These are the days I have to throw up my hands and say, "Ugh, It's too much work to be God today." And that's when humility sinks in.
Oh yeah, I"m not suppose to be God.

It's happened a lot lately.

If you can't tell, the newness and fun and relaxation of being unemployed has worn off. I'm ready for something...anything.
I'm bored.

I know some of you don't believe it's possible but day after day on nothingness gets old after 8 months.

And job hunting in Michigan is no easy feat right now, so I often find myself discouraged. Considering I don't really know what I want to do doesn't help things either.

So the last few days I've really had to let go and let God be God. I'm starting to think this job will be something I just kinda stumble upon, like everything else in my life right now.

I stumbled upon Vilma. I stumbled upon Jabu. I stumbled upon Steve. I wasn't looking for any of them, and yet God has brought them into my life,- and I am so blessed by each of them.

Susan blogged today about complaining, and the definition is "to find fault in."

Yikes!

How can I find fault in God's perfect plan? His plan to bless me, and give me a future and a hope? He is for me. He can be trusted. Oh shame on me for saying it's not right.

Humility. I have to bring myself back to it daily. I need to let God be God.

I'm late

I'm sure I've talked about this before. I feel like I'm late in life.
I guess I've done everything else later than my friends.
My friends went off to college right away.
I stayed in Flint for a year.
My friends all moved away for college or work.
I waited until I was 24.
My friends are all married with kids (or so it seems)
And yet at 32...nuthin.'
This started up again last night, when I added a former co-worker as a face book friend.
He's listed as married.
How could he be married? He just got engaged.
But he'd just got engaged when I saw him 2 years ago.
Once again it's that black hole vortex of Africa. Where you go and life zooms by so quickly and then when you come back, you realize that life has gone on without you in so many different areas, and you are no further along than before.
It's a crappy feeling.
So now that I've vented I have to go and practice my latest routine.
When I'm feeling crappy I've been making myself sit down, and list what I "know" is bucolically true, as opposed to what I'm "feeling"
Feelings can't be trusted. They are too fickle.
But before I did that, I just wanted to emotionally vomit.

Sad

I've been going through the stores and seeing all of the Back-to-school displays:
new crayons, new pencils, back packs, glue sticks, and all of the wonderful smells of new school supplies.
And this year I have no part in it.
I know I haven't taught in 2 years, but I was away from all of the festivities.
This year seeing it all has made me sad. I want to be part of this again, and I'm just not. I spent the afternoon in Borders and walked through the kid's section.
Tons of my favorite stories were there, and I have no one to but them for.
Bummer. This has really gotten me down.