The Job!

Sometimes I can't see the whole picture. I don't understand the plan. But I love as it all unfolds.
I just got a job! I a job, that when I first learned about it, I thought, "Nah, that's not for me. I'm not interseted."
But as time went on, I realized, "This is my job. This is the one I'm suppose to have."
And sure enough, I applied and got it.
I'll be working throughout Gennessee County with English as a Second Languge Students. I'll go from school to school working with students 1-1, small groups or even in the classroom.
I feel so blessed. I can't be in Swaziland anymore, but God is bringing multiple nations to me!
I can not tell you how excited I am about this, and how much I love these children already. I've never met them but I'm praying for them and their families already.
Who knows what doors might open!

I've been feeling so unsettled this week. There is just so much brewing in my brain, it's hard to get much relief.
I've been back for 8 months now.
Why?
What am I suppose to be doing back here in Flint? I'm just so unsatisfied with everything.
The rest and novelty of being unemployed have been gone for a while. I'm bored, and find myself filling my days with meaningless activities that now bring no amusement.
I want to go back to work. But doing what?
Teaching? That would be the easy answer. But I can't really say I'm suppose to be teaching. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to teach,- trust me. But I feel like that's the easy way out.
I remember years ago hearing a sermon about after Jesus' death the disciples went back to what they knew.
They'd had this amazing experience with Jesus, and then it all seemed to end and in their confusion and doubt they went back to whatever it was before. We see that when Jesus found Peter again he was fishing. He questioned his love and commitment 3 times and prophesied about who Peter would become.
I feel so much like Peter right now. Coming off the mission field to .....what?
Like Peter, I find myself scratching my head and thinking, "It wasn't suppose to be this way."
I want so desperately to grab onto and cling to anything "normal" or "safe" or "familiar" or "regular"
God has grabbed hold of me this week, through different conversations with people, and given me a good shake.
I'm sensing once again that I'm missing something I shouldn't. If I believe what I say I believe, shouldn't my life look different?
But I think I'm afraid of that difference. I'm afraid of the boldness. I'm afraid of that life which he will call me to. I'm afraid to encounter Jesus on that beach and have him question my love, my commitment, and prophesy who I will become.

Humility

As John Ortberg defines it, humility is letting God be God. I've always liked that definition.
He tells a story in his book The Life you Always Wanted about a christian school who was putting on a play, and one little boy was assigned the part of God. His job was to stand on a ladder, shine a flashlight down and read his lines. But one day at practice he told the teacher, "I can't do this. I just feel too crazy to be God today."
That story makes me smile on those days when I've tried, (and failed) to work my own plan. These are the days I have to throw up my hands and say, "Ugh, It's too much work to be God today." And that's when humility sinks in.
Oh yeah, I"m not suppose to be God.

It's happened a lot lately.

If you can't tell, the newness and fun and relaxation of being unemployed has worn off. I'm ready for something...anything.
I'm bored.

I know some of you don't believe it's possible but day after day on nothingness gets old after 8 months.

And job hunting in Michigan is no easy feat right now, so I often find myself discouraged. Considering I don't really know what I want to do doesn't help things either.

So the last few days I've really had to let go and let God be God. I'm starting to think this job will be something I just kinda stumble upon, like everything else in my life right now.

I stumbled upon Vilma. I stumbled upon Jabu. I stumbled upon Steve. I wasn't looking for any of them, and yet God has brought them into my life,- and I am so blessed by each of them.

Susan blogged today about complaining, and the definition is "to find fault in."

Yikes!

How can I find fault in God's perfect plan? His plan to bless me, and give me a future and a hope? He is for me. He can be trusted. Oh shame on me for saying it's not right.

Humility. I have to bring myself back to it daily. I need to let God be God.

I'm late

I'm sure I've talked about this before. I feel like I'm late in life.
I guess I've done everything else later than my friends.
My friends went off to college right away.
I stayed in Flint for a year.
My friends all moved away for college or work.
I waited until I was 24.
My friends are all married with kids (or so it seems)
And yet at 32...nuthin.'
This started up again last night, when I added a former co-worker as a face book friend.
He's listed as married.
How could he be married? He just got engaged.
But he'd just got engaged when I saw him 2 years ago.
Once again it's that black hole vortex of Africa. Where you go and life zooms by so quickly and then when you come back, you realize that life has gone on without you in so many different areas, and you are no further along than before.
It's a crappy feeling.
So now that I've vented I have to go and practice my latest routine.
When I'm feeling crappy I've been making myself sit down, and list what I "know" is bucolically true, as opposed to what I'm "feeling"
Feelings can't be trusted. They are too fickle.
But before I did that, I just wanted to emotionally vomit.

Sad

I've been going through the stores and seeing all of the Back-to-school displays:
new crayons, new pencils, back packs, glue sticks, and all of the wonderful smells of new school supplies.
And this year I have no part in it.
I know I haven't taught in 2 years, but I was away from all of the festivities.
This year seeing it all has made me sad. I want to be part of this again, and I'm just not. I spent the afternoon in Borders and walked through the kid's section.
Tons of my favorite stories were there, and I have no one to but them for.
Bummer. This has really gotten me down.

In 2006 I took a trip in my time machine to snap photos of celebs in the future
Oh my, they don't age well.
Well, you might not have been a loyal reader then, but you can check the archives. And now, I'm at it again:

My hormones have been going crazy, and they are threatening to ruin my life.
My emotions have been off the wall.
I woke up this morning on the verge of tears, and I can't even tell you why. Is waking up really that upsetting?

And different circumstances in life have just had a field day with this. Typical life stuff, and medium size decisions have suddenly threatened to be my ruin with the hormones influencing everything.
But in the midst of all this, I've found peace.

Yup. Peace.

Somehow, one day recently I realized to take my own advice. People often say "how do I know if I'm doing the right thing? This or that?" And they get all worked up into a tizzy. I always tell them, "If you are truly trying to follow God, and trying your best to hear him and obey Him, then he won't let you miss it. He'll make it clear to you."
So I decided to do nothing these last few days. I put my "feelings" to the side, since they can't be trusted anyway. I have put the situations out of my head and decided to "Think about what ever is good, what ever is pure...."
and I trust that the Lord will make His way known.

Confucius says...

Three days ago I was thinking how happy I was to have a cat.
Not a dog.
A cat.
Cats snuggle but don't bark. They are independent. They are low maitenance.
You don't have to potty them. You can run free and have no responsibility. You don't have to let them out every few hours.
You can leave them with a huge bowl of kibble and go up north for a few nights.
Cats are perfect pets.
Then two days ago a little dog wandered into my yard.
Where did you come from little guy...girl...whatever you are?

I am home now. its little wag seemed to say.
I want to sit in your lap.
I want you to rub my belly 'til I sleep.
I'm your baby.
I love you

It seemed confused.
I'm not it's momma. But it had no tags and no neighbor knew where he belonged.

what are you? a boy or a girl?
No answer.
Well go pee then. Boys hike, girls squat.

Obediently, the little dog walked into the grass.
It squatted...and hike it's leg at the same time. This 3-legged balancing triangle had me in stitches.
This dog is very confused.
I named it Confucius.

But I don't want a dog.

I began to fall for it.
No! No! I have a cat. I don't need a dog.

But the cat loved it.
With soft slowing wispy fur, the cat thought I'd brought him an animated cat toy. He bound through the house swatting at it.

The dog did not love the cat back.

But this is responsibility. I didn't ask for this!
My God, it felt like an unplanned pregnancy.

Finally, I decided I had to find it's home. Confucius was obviously cared for. Some one would be missing him...er...her. I pictured in my mind an old granny in the near by neighborhood calling for her baby... crying.

Yes, I had to find its home.

My tobacco chewing mail man said there was a home nearby that had a little dog like it. He told me the address.
I put Confucius in the car and we took a drive.

Ringing the doorbell I heard lots of other little dogs yipping inside.
Are you missing a little black dog?
Yes.
I have it here.
I handed Confusious over to a non-granny.
Oh thank you.. All of Grand Blanc will know her sooner or later. She gets out all of the time.
Well...she didn't have a collar on.Blank stare.
Yeah, well, we really need to get that fence fixed....I didn't even know she was missing. I just got home form work. I figured she was holed up somewhere sleeping.

Grrr to you non-granny. Very Grrr.

So now the cat and I are keeping our eyes out for the animated cat toy to come through to our fixed-fence yard again. We have a collar waiting for Confucius and we will notice when she is gone.

I would welcome the responsibility.

The job search

Warning this is PG-13 Reader be warned

You know I've been looking for a job. Anything that I'd enjoy really. A few months ago I saw an ad posted for a writer... a blog writer.
I thought, "wow! local, paid per article, I can do this."
so I wrote an inquiry to ask more details.

So the response was:

We are looking for local blog writers to review our adult products and toys. You will need to use each product and write your review and opinion of each one....

Ummmmmm.........what? ahhhhhhh.......no.
I couldn't help but call Heidi laughing.
"Girl, I have been neither single, nor unemployed long enough to take that job."

Hey buddy, go google yourself!

Hey have you ever timed your name into google and seen what popped up? Man, look what I've apparently been up to:



Homicide suspect arrested for bond violations

Julie Holmquist 02.MAY.07

POLK COUNTY - A Luck man out on a $50,000 bond and facing Polk County felony homicide charges was arrested Monday at the Turtle Lake Casino for bond violations.

The St. Croix Tribal Police and Turtle Lake Police arrested Derek Mosay, 21, around 12:30 a.m. in a Turtle Lake St. Croix Casino hotel room. Mosay was found with Christy Merrill, 23, Siren, in the hotel room with empty bottles of beer.

Some of the conditions of the bond were no drinking of alcohol and no contact with Merrill.

Merrill was also arrested on a Polk County misdemeanor bail-jumping charge.

Mosay is accused of backing a van over Mike Ellis, a 45-year-old from the Round Lake community who was found dead last fall at his home.

Ellis died after Mosay allegedly backed Ellis’ van over his body following a fight at Ellis’ home on 211 60th Street.

Witnesses told Polk County investigators in September that Ellis had intervened in a fight between Mosay and Merrill, Mosay’s girlfriend at that time.

Mosay pled not guilty last November on charges of homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle and second-degree reckless homicide. Each felony count carries a possible maximum sentence of 25 years in prison, a fine of $100,000, or both.

Mosay also pled not guilty to misdemeanor battery charges. A charge of resisting an officer was dismissed at that time.

On Monday, authorities said a preliminary test indicated Mosay had an alcohol level of .144, and Merrill had an alcohol level of .180, which is above the legal limit.

Mosay was out of jail on a $50,000 bond after paying a cash amount of $15,000.

Years ago I remember the Lord speaking to me "You can have everything that you want, it will just look very different than you imagined."
I had forgotten about that for a long time and was just reminded of it yesterday.
I came back to america in December with lots of ideas of what I wanted and how it would look. Through the months each of my ideas have gone down in a blaze of glory! I've been totally pruned.
But realizing this, I've let go of my expectations, and have been praying that God renew each aspect in his way.
And he has begun bit by bit to give me all the things I want,- in such surprising ways.
You already know about Jabu, the most wonderful pet companion in the shape of a cat.
But now the Lord has placed the most wonderful encouraging loving friend in my life, Vilma.
You know I've been strugglin here to make friends. Not just regular aquaintances that you say hi to at church, but real deep, honest friendships. The people in Flint are just so different and I often feel out of place, like I don't fit in with these people.
A week ago I was doing laundry and there was a ring at my doorbell.
Who could that be?
I went to the door and was greeted by a smiling face.
"helloo. I nuw jur fathar. I'm Vilma. Vilma Jobb. Cuum. Let us seet here and talk."
The little Hungarian woman, whom I seem to tower over, teetered to the the porch chairs. I followed and we sat and talked.
It almost seemed as though we'd known each other for years.
She told me she began visiting my father 8 years ago when he was selling his garden vegetables. I remembered my dad speaking fondly of her, saying she reminded him of his mother. Through the years she's befriended our neighbors, my aunt, my mom and stepdad, and now me.
Everytime I leave her presence, I feel like I've been with an angel. She is just precious.
So Thank you Lord for giving me a new friend. I never would have chosen an 85 year old Hungarian refugee myself, but am so glad you did.

Wanted: Zombi killers

I'm not kidding. This was on the cragislist posts for jobs in Flint:

Zombie killer:Have a zombie problem, need reliable help between the hours of midnight and about 5AM, monday through friday. Experience preferred but will train a motivated candidate. Own weapons and vehicle are extremely helpful. Must not be afraid of zombies. Must pass a drug screening. Thanks.

I wonder if there is a 401K with that?

... And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, ... Luke 15:20
A man of the father's stature wouldn't have run... ever. No infact servanats would have run for him. He would have strolled, sauntered, strutted, even moseyed... but never run. It was below him.
And yet when he saw his lost son, who he'd pined for for so many years, he lifted his robe, undignified himself, and ran to his son who was returning.
Many people envision God as a bully who wants to squash you for doing wrong.
Lightning and thunder crash when he finds you and he's going to knock you dead on the spot.

Some people know God will forgive them, but expect to have to listen to a list of "terms and conditions" as well as a few "I-was-right-and-you-were-wrongs" first.

But this is a picture of a God who is willing to undignify himself.
I heard a man on television once say that he wouldn't beleive in a God that would forgive any sin. What kind of God would forgive a murderer or child-molester.
But God doesn't care what you, me, or anyone else thinks of the forgiveness he offers to another person. He doesn't need our permission. He's not concerned of what the neighbors might think he runs out to take his child in his arms. He's happy he has returned.

Jabu's Parable

Jabu has been such an awesome addition. I've really enjoyed having him here.
Often he comes to me just as he wakes up and snuggles with me a while. He follows me around the house just to check out what I'm doing.
But he's a busy kitty. He's often preoccupied. I'll call him to come and sit on my lap while I watch a movie, but walks off after a brief consideration. He knows where I'll be when he wants to settle down. But for now it's off to watch the world outside the windows. He plays contently, takes his medicine (even though he pouts afterwards,) and only goes in the places he's allowed. Then occasionally he'll jump into my lap, lay his head against my chest and snuggle against me. But it's only a matter of time before he sees a bird out the window, or a little bug fluttering in the lamp light.
Such a restless kitty.

In my current state of pruned-ness I have a lot of time just sitting and listening, reflecting, wondering, dreaming.
This is the part He's been speaking to me about. The rest.
I've stopped striving. I'm just waiting.
There was so much He spoke to me in Africa,- about marriage coming soon, the new ministry I'll be released into, a job where I can serve him,-and as I'm looking around I see absolutley none of it. It makes me laugh.
Are you sure about this?
But in spite of no evidence around me, I trust Him completely. And to be honest, I know it will all fall into place.
I just keep thinking about how I came across Jabu. I'd been visiting the humane society for weeks and never found the right dog. Then I came across him and it was love at first sight. Turns out the best dog for me was a cat all along.
I feel the rest will be the same. Now that I've stopped telling God how everything will work out I can just live day by day without the un-productive striving. It's that rest He's been talking about.
Just like Jabu, I know God has the right things waiting to put in place,-work, ministry, and marriage. But I won't be surprised if they're totally different that how I anticipated them.

Day at a tiny vineyard

Today I went to Rob Macolmnson's farm to help prune the grape vines. I've been learning that vines are a symbol of a faith or belief,-a type of religion if you will. Being Good Friday, there's nothing I thought could have been cooler.
The winding grape vines looked full and promising to me- the non-farmer type. I thought they looked fine. I thought we could just leave them and they'd be full of fruit come summer.
"No, all of this has to be cut off. It has to be cut back to the old wood." [essentially the stem of the plant]
"All of it?" I asked.
"Yeah, all of it. Fruit only grows on the new growth. So if you want a lot produced you have to cut off everything."
"Well then, how does it ever spread? How do you get big vineyards?"
"Well you can leave a few branches, if it's kinda filling in a bare spot. But it won't produce anything... But you have to look at these branches here, all the way back to the old wood. And if there are a couple together, you have to choose which one and cut the other, it's too much competition. "
Oh man! As they say in the south, That'll preach!!!!
I've been going through a lot of pruning these past few months,- job, ministry, relationship. Everything has been cut back to the "old wood." But God is showing me that the competition had to go. My fruit will not grow this year on last year's growth. It's time to start afresh. Painful as it is to be the one getting pruned, it comes with a promise of more abundant fruit to come.
Look at this beautiful Scripture. While I realize Jesus was refering to this in a spirititual context, it feels like a personal explaination to my current situation in life:
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned for greater fruitfulness by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me. "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who parts from me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you stay joined to me and my words remain in you, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted! My true disciples produce much fruit. This brings great glory to my Father.
John 15:1-8
Read that last part again:
My true disciples bear much fruit. This brings much glory to the Father.
In spite of the pain, Lord, I want to bring you glory.

Fig tree Part 2

So now the chapters of Matthew and Mark come to life in a whole new way.
In Matt 21, Jesus come to a fig tree bearing leaves (and therefore should have had fruit.) He found nothing and cursed it. I see now this is a type of living parable , cursing the hypocrisy around him.
The tree was “advertising “ itself as a fig tree yet had no fruit to offer. We’ve all seen in our American church, people who “advertise” themselves as Christians,- with bumper stickers, speaking Christianese at work, wearing Christian t-shirts.
And I can imagine in this season with so many people desperately seeking peace, seeking answers, seeking anything, many will begin to toy with the idea, “Well maybe I’ll pray.” Or “Maybe I’ll go to church.” They might even feel more comfortable talking with the fig-tree person they know, who seems to have something to offer.
But what will happen when they come to the fig tree and find no fruit? No love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control? Will “salvation” and T-shirts and saying “Praise the Lord” mean a thing to them when that fig-tree person is no different?
So now I see the significance of the next stories:
In Matthew and Mark, Jesus curses the fig tree (the one advertising salvation but having no fruit to give those coming to it) and then went directly into the temple and rebuked the money changers. (The story that Pastor preached on this past Sunday)
“Then Jesus said to the tree, ‘May no one ever eat your fruit again!’ And the disciples hear him say it. When they arrived back in Jerusalem, Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out the merchants and their customers. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the stalls of those selling doves, and he stopped everyone from bringing in merchandise. He taught them, ‘The scriptures declare “My temple will be called a place of prayer for all nations,” but you have turned it into a den of thieves.’” (Mark 11:11-17)
Matt 21:12-13 records the same temple story and then in Vs 14, the very next verse, records something very significant: “The blind and the lame came to him, and he healed them there in the Temple.”
I think it’s no coincidence that these two stories are back to back with vs. 14 thrown in there. This is a significant teaching we need to grasp. When the individual hypocrisy is dead (the fig-less fig tree) and the corporate hypocrisy has been driven out, the lame and the hurting come to Jesus.
Oh, we as the corporate church need to take this to heart as we pray for those around us, in our families, in circle of friends, and in city.
Lord, expose our hearts to help us understand. Lead us with your Holy Spirit to develop more of the fruit you desire within us. Bring our churches into humility to serve those who are ‘blind and lame.’ And do all of these things, not for our selves, but for your Glory.

The fig tree, part 1

As I’ve mentioned, I’m learning about trees and their significance in the bible. It’s just been opening up a whole new understanding of the text.
For example, fig trees in Jewish tradition representing forgiveness of sin, end of exile, and restoration of the covenanted. In other words, salvation.
It's said that Jews awaiting the Messiah would pray and study the Torah under the fig trees.
Notice that Phillip found Nathanael under a fig tree when he told him they had found the Messiah, and Jesus had seen Nathanael there. (John 1:48)
So now the chapters of Matthew and Mark come to life in a whole new way.
Matt 21, Jesus come to a fig tree bearing leaves (and therefore should have had fruit.) He found nothing and cursed it. I see now this is a type of living parable , cursing the hypocrisy around him.
The tree was “advertising “ itself as a fig tree yet had no fruit to offer. I see today in our American church, people who “advertise” themselves as Christians,- with bumper stickers, speaking Christianese at work, wearing Christian t-shirts.
And I can imagine in this season with so many people desperately seeking peace, seeking answers, seeking anything, many will begin to toy with the idea, “Well maybe I’ll pray.” Or “Maybe I’ll go to church.” They might even feel more comfortable talking with the fig-tree person they know, representing salvation.
But what will happen when they come to the fig tree and find no fruit? No love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control? Will “salvation” and T-shirts and saying “Praise the Lord” mean a thing to them when that fig-tree person is no different?

Extending the olive branch, part 2

So this morning I picked up my daily devotional, Streams in the Desert. (by far the most dead-on devotional I've ever read...it's a bit scary)
"...[isolation] is an ingredient in God's plan of dealing with us. We are to enter a secret chamber of isolation in prayer and faith that is very fruitful. At certain times and places, God will build a mysterious wall around us. He will take away all the supports we customarily lean upon, and will remove our ordinaty ways fo doing things. God will close us off to something divine, completeely new and unexpected, and that cannnot be understood where we do not know what is happening, where God is cutting the cloth of our lives by a new pattern, and thus where He causes us to look to Him.
Most Christians lead a treadmill life- a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him. All they know is that God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone...."
I find great comfort and confirmation in this. I have no idea what He is planning and preparing, but I trust Him.

Extending the Olive branch

These last few weeks have been very hard for me.
I just feel like I've been taken out of everything I was doing...and for what?
I spend my days very low key filled with things that don't really make a difference. The only one who really benefits from my existence here in the states on a regular basis is Jabu.
I've tried subbing, but really feel like the Lord has taken me out of that.
I tried volunteering but it doesn't ever seem to work out.
I've had no desire to study or write.
Now I'm not a person who finds her value or identity in what she does, but I've been so frustrated doing nothing. Sure I can find things to fill my time, but it seems purposeless. I still have the desire to love and effect people, yet I spend an overwhelming amount of time alone.
And last week it all just came to a head. I'd had enough.
"Lord why am I here? Why not just leave me in Africa? Everyday I touched some one's life. I had an effect for you kingdom. Now.... I matter to a cat. Why did you bring me back here? Why didn't you just leave me in Africa. At least I'd be making a difference for your kingdom."

And finally yesterday there was a little tug towards my bible. I sat with laptop and notebook and started researching trees in the bible (okay I'm a nerd) but discovered this about olive trees:
Olive trees begin to produce olives at 6-10 years and have their highest yield at about 45-50 years. After that it will decline. So farmers cut off every branch leaving a stump and then often will even cut the stump down.
It stands there looking dead
Then it begins to shoot sprouts, and the sprouts will bear fruit, in more abundance than before,for another 50 years.
(Then a shoot will spring from the stem of Jesse, And a branch from his roots will bear fruit. Ish 11:1 This prophecy illustrates this concept.)
Somehow this gave me peace. Every branch I've had in the past has been cut off, but it's not in vain. The next season will come, and my fruit will be even more productive.
I can accept this as I wait.