I've been feeling so unsettled this week. There is just so much brewing in my brain, it's hard to get much relief.
I've been back for 8 months now.
Why?
What am I suppose to be doing back here in Flint? I'm just so unsatisfied with everything.
The rest and novelty of being unemployed have been gone for a while. I'm bored, and find myself filling my days with meaningless activities that now bring no amusement.
I want to go back to work. But doing what?
Teaching? That would be the easy answer. But I can't really say I'm suppose to be teaching. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to teach,- trust me. But I feel like that's the easy way out.
I remember years ago hearing a sermon about after Jesus' death the disciples went back to what they knew.
They'd had this amazing experience with Jesus, and then it all seemed to end and in their confusion and doubt they went back to whatever it was before. We see that when Jesus found Peter again he was fishing. He questioned his love and commitment 3 times and prophesied about who Peter would become.
I feel so much like Peter right now. Coming off the mission field to .....what?
Like Peter, I find myself scratching my head and thinking, "It wasn't suppose to be this way."
I want so desperately to grab onto and cling to anything "normal" or "safe" or "familiar" or "regular"
God has grabbed hold of me this week, through different conversations with people, and given me a good shake.
I'm sensing once again that I'm missing something I shouldn't. If I believe what I say I believe, shouldn't my life look different?
But I think I'm afraid of that difference. I'm afraid of the boldness. I'm afraid of that life which he will call me to. I'm afraid to encounter Jesus on that beach and have him question my love, my commitment, and prophesy who I will become.