Homesick (Monday)

I’m home sick today. I think Durban started it. I didn’t realize how much I needed to get out of Swaziland, until I arrived in South Africa. And suddenly I was surrounded by cities again, loving families that aren’t American, stores that sell what you are looking for, restaurants, coffee shops, clean children, African men who weren’t hitting on me, and it all felt so nice.
Then I returned and went straight back into work. And it was Swazi life in full force again. And I guess today was the first time I felt the full weight of being here. I suppose I haven’t really been acknowledging how these images I see every day, and the experiences I’ve had here are weighing down on me. But being away from it for 4 days and then back in kind of hit me like a brick wall.
I had to have a “game-face” on all day because a new team is here, and they hosted a wonderful teacher workshop for us. And while it was great, I really just wanted to bust out crying. But I couldn’t. I had to do the “life-as-a-missionary-is-great” smiley face even though today didn’t feel that great.
I just wanted someone to listen, and sympathize for 2 minutes and tell me everything is going to be okay.
I tested the waters with a co-worker, not really sure if I had enough of a “friendship” to be vulnerable with her (women know what I’m talking about): “I’m feeling a bit homesick today.”
That’s as far as I got. I pretty much got reamed out.
But to be honest, I don’t resent her for that, - it’s a very Swazi thing to do. Swazi life can’t afford to be burdened with silly things like feelings, and emotions, because life after all is about survival. You don’t let yourself get bogged down with what you want or how you feel; you simply suck it up and do what you have to do to get through the day. And in her mind, only two months into this thing, I have much too far to go to start getting soft now.
It’s not her fault.
I’m just tired of living day to day where everything is new and unfamiliar. I’m ready to feel like I fit in somehow and that I’m actually making a difference in the areas I’m charged with. The ironic thing is I see how I’m making a difference in the lives of other people, but not necessarily in the lives of my teachers or carepoint. I feel, once again, like I’m hitting a brick wall. People are saying I’ve done this to help this or that person, - but I don’t see it.
So I’m home, and I’m going to Susan’s just now. I know she is a friend that will listen, - she’s been through this herself, and she’s coaxed many a homesick women through this same thing.
I know she will offer me tissues, and tell me everything will be okay, which they will be- I know. But just today it doesn’t feel okay. It feels hard.
Then tomorrow will be a new day. :0)