Deep Thoughts, Shallow Ideas, and Random Ramblings

I get it.

2011-06-06T06:58:00.000-07:00

When I lived in Swaziland, about 50% of the population was HIV positive. The life expectancy had dropped to under 30 years. It is expected that the Swazi culture will be extinct by 2030. And yet when you spoke to a Swazi about it, they often felt helpless to change anything. They knew a change in sexual practices could change these statistics, but also felt that these were radical changes in a culture where polygamy is still common, it’s accepted that married men have mistresses, and condom use wasn’t really popular.
I’d ask some of my female friends about this, and they often expressed a sad acceptance that it was inevitable,- sooner or later it would happen to everyone, there wasn’t much they could do to change an entire culture. And I agree, you can’t change other people. But if I was in their shoes, I think I would at least want to protect myself.
“Would you ever not get married?...or would you ever insist that your husband wear a condom if he was staying out at night?”
They would laugh off the absurdity of my suggestions. It was just their culture,-and you can’t really expect a woman to not want to get married, have a family, or that your husband would accept wearing a condom after all this time of being married.
I use to shake my head in saddened disbelief.
“We all die someday Christy. I’ll die of AIDS, maybe you’ll die in a car wreck. What’s the difference?” they’d say.
“You’re right. We all die someday. But you’ll die at 30 and leave your children orphaned, and I’ll die when I’m 90, in my bed surrounded by my children and grandchildren.
However, I’ve always said that Swaziland has the same problems as America, it just takes on a different form.
This month I’ve committed to a ’30-day challenge’ of healthy eating, and regular exercise. (My friend Nichole does it through Facebook.) I’ve cut out lots of sugar, processed foods, and fast food, and I feel good doing it. I committed to this to go along with my Crim training, but also committed to it because I knew it was only 30 days.
“You can do anything for 30 days right?” I said to myself. “Then after that I can go back to whatever. I mean, it’s not really realistic that I’ll never eat fast food again, or sweets? I mean that’s just part of life, you get busy and over stretched, and so you have to grab something quick and or processed, or on-the-go. That’s just part of the American culture.”
And the light bulb went off!
I sounded just like my Swazi friends.
I look around me every day and see the consequences of our food choices. Obesity, diabetes, heart attacks, high blood pressure ect. It is killing off our people, and shortening our life spans. And we often shrug our shoulders and say, “Oh well, what are we to do? That’s just our culture, and the way life is.”

My own acceptance of this was a bit startling. I think I need to make a change. I know I’m only one person and I can’t change an entire culture. But I can make choices for myself. I can make changes in my ways. Some of my choices might seem counter culture, but I think I’ll have to adapt some of these practices for more than 30 days.
Thanks Nichole,- I get it.

If Jesus is the Reason....

2010-12-26T07:39:00.000-08:00

Every year when December rolls around I get reflective. Another year has come and gone. What happened? What did I accomplish? What are my goals for the next year?

This year the holiday season approached with lights and bells & whistles just the same as always. I was so excited but knew this year would be a challenge. Work, plus grad school would eat away at the weekdays as well as the weekends. Could I squeeze in shopping here and there between students? Would I miss sitting in front of my tree because of the hours I had to sit in my office studying? I braced myself for the holiday season which (just as I expected) would fly by in a blink making me wonder "Hey, where did the month go?"

And maybe it was because my favorite time of year was slipping through my fingers that I became so easily annoyed with those little thing that I would usually let slide,- but this year I found myself internally cranky.

No I didn't go off on anyone, but I really feel the need to vent.

Hence, the blog. (Warning, you might not want to read this)

My biggest pet peeve this year was this seemingly constant barrage (either in close vicinity or via facebook)of I-refuse-to-be-politically-correct-because-I'm-a-Christian greetings. These usually came in the form of Merry CHRISTmas, or Jesus is the Reason for the Season, or Join my facebook group to keep Christ in Christmas if you are a REAL Christian, or Don't write "X-mas" groups.

Ugh!

Let me make myself clear. I am a Christian. I know Christmas Day is the day we observe the birth of Christ. So in the future, if I bump into you at church on Sunday and wish you a "Happy Holidays" it's not because I'm ignorant, nor is it because I'm trying to be politically correct. It's because between Nov. and Jan we celebrate many many holidays such as Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, Boxing Day (for those of you Brits)New Years Eve, and New Years Day. My wish if for you to have all of them happily. So please save me the lecture about how I'm supposed to say "Merry Christmas"

Secondly, I have no problem writing "X-mas" because I know the history behind it and I'm not actually removing Jesus from Christmas. No matter how many facebook groups protest it, I'm still going to do it guilt-free.

You, however are welcome to write it how ever you'd like and wish it however you'd like. It's a free country and I don't mind if you say "Merry Christmas"

But it does bother me that these people who insist on making everyone keep "CHRIST in CHRIStmas" do little more than post annoying stuff on facebook.

(Disclaimer: I do have many beautiful friends who spend the holiday season serving, giving, loving, blessing others, and sacrificing in ways that would truly honor Jesus in remembering his birth)

But for the others, if the focus is still on presents, Santa, spending money you don't have to buy presents for people who don't really need anymore, gorging yourself on food 'till you're sick, throwing a couple of left over coins into a Salvation Army kettle, why do you pat yourself on the back for writing out all of the letters in Christmas instead of writing an abbreviation?
Perhaps you think you are doing baby Jesus a favor by honoring his holiday. But if your attitude, and actions are no different than those who don't recognize him, have you really honored him?
Yes, Jesus is the reason for the Season, but he's not the reason for mayhem incorporated into it.

Scared Hands

2010-12-19T05:23:00.000-08:00

I watched an interesting story on the news this morning. A man named Richard Edwards recently had a double hand transplant.
Now he reports that he's amazed by his new hands and often stares and contemplates them.
He said, "I just look at them to learn them. They have these scars, and I wonder. What did he do to get these scars?"
A great question to ask ourselves.

Creepy Crawlies and other Central American Excitements

2010-07-16T14:11:00.000-07:00

This is the Scorpion that Shannon and I found in our room. Very big and very scary.
Guatemala also has some giant spiders, snakes that like to sleep on warm computers, and even offered us a small earthquake.
While we did miss a tropical storm, a hurricane, a volcanic eruption, and flooding, we did get to witness (and thankfully escape)the beginning of a shoot out on the way to the Capital, and a crime scene complete with yellow tape and corpses.
Yeah, definitely had some excitement on this trip.
I was happy to be home in Flint where we have neither critters nor shootings. lol

Living a Better Story

2010-07-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

Back in college a friend once asked me, “What’s your biggest fear?”

I remember my answer clearly. “I’m terrified that someday, I’ll be 90 years old, laying on my death bed and realize I’ve never done anything great in my life.”

Something within me way back then knew that life was meant to be something significant. And you’d think being able to articulate that at 20, that I’d be intentional about the things I’d do.

But maybe not.

I think perhaps at that age, we might all idealistically approach life that way,- That we are here for a purpose and our lives will make a difference.
But like so many others, I guess I thought that an exciting life would happen to me, while I was doing the routine, mundane, daily grind. The daily college life led to the daily career life.

Mondaytuesdaywednesdaythursdayfridaysaturdaysunday……lather, rinse, repeat.

Before I knew it, years had slipped by and nothing great had happened to me yet. Perhaps I would just need to wait a bit longer…..

Then I had my epiphany: I was bored in life.

While I loved my friends, my family, and even my teaching job, I recognized that if life was going to be exciting, I was going to have to make it exciting.
So, (much to my father’s chagrin) I sold off everything I owned, packed 4 suitcases and moved to Africa.

If you’d asked anyone around me, they would have all told you I was living this big, adventurous, life! I ran a major schooling program for AIDS orphans and vulnerable children! I slayed giant insects! I ate chicken intestines.

And while the years I lived in Africa were great and provided me (and you long-time readers) with some hilarious blog-fodder, after the initial excitement wore off, I saw it was simply a new location to spend Monday thru Sunday.

Eventually I came home.

Now working and enrolled in grad school, …well, same thing, new city.

More years have passed….Early 30’s… Still nothing “great”.

So last February I read Donald Miller’s A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, and it really spoke to me. It’s the only book I’ve ever read where I thought to myself, “…damn...I should’ve bought this instead of just checking it out at the library.”

I read half, and then started again from the beginning because it was too good not to. And while I finished the end chapters, and read through the second time, I also started at the beginning again. I had to have 3 bookmarks throughout the book to keep my place for my multiple readings.

It just made sense to me.

Maybe it’s his simplicity of writing, maybe because he’s talking about things from a writer’s perspective, maybe it’s because I see myself in him when he’s “living the life he always wanted” and still recognizes something is missing, but I could relate to it.

There’s a scene when he writes about living as a writer and making up stories for a living. Then one day he goes to a coffee shop and sees a couple with a family and it occurs to him that while He’s been making up stories, others have been living their stories.

I think that’s the part I started to tear up.

I recognize now that the life I’ve been desiring to have all along is not simply about doing stuff, or even having an adventure, but an living an intentional life. Yes inevitably, it will include the daily grind, and living this way is bound to bring about some adventures, but it’s caused me to reflect on what I actually want to start doing in the midst of my Monday thru Sunday.

A few months ago Donald Miller posted the “what if” challenge on his blog. I thought to myself,” What if my character stopped saving random cats, and started to progress the story forward?”

This is what I’ve been slowly moving towards,- focused on the thing that has been heavy on my heart. “What if I actually started reaching out to some of these teenage girls in class who are slipping through the social cracks? What if I broke that unspoken rule that students and adults don’t mix? What if I started being an influence in their lives? What if I gave them the chance to live a better story?” This is the direction I’ve started as a short term story.

So I’ve been really hoping to attend the Living a Better Story seminar (with Donald Miller) in Portland in September. I’m thinking that it would give me additional encouragement to continue in the direction I’ve started to baby step. Maybe it can help me lead these teens along the way.
At the same time it terrifies me. I told my best friend “I’d like to go to this seminar… but I’m afraid it will mess me up. I’m afraid I’ll be wrecked for the ordinary.”

But isn’t facing conflict the best part of the story? You’ll root for my character won’t you?

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Flood damage

2010-07-15T05:06:00.000-07:00

I shot this picture down the ravine. You can see that shorts are were left behind as well as shoes and toys. Just evidence of all that was washed away in the flood.

These are picture of the damage done in the recent tropical storm and flooding. The edges of the river have just been destroyed, taking homes, and lives.

This is the water line, 1/2 way up the window. It lets you see just how bad the flooding was in the city.

temporary housing

2010-07-15T05:00:00.000-07:00

So these are some of the temporary houses we helped with to allow these families a roof over their heads. A far cry from what they will have in a year, but it is 4 walls and a rood that keeps the rain out better than black plastic.

2010-07-15T04:52:00.000-07:00

This is Baby harrison. His mother is 16 and she was found on the banks of the river, freightened and alone. Her house and all of her belongings were washed away. They were living in a "house" made of tree branches and black plastic.

So many people were living like this,- a tent city.

The widow's home

2010-07-15T04:44:00.001-07:00

We spent a few days building and painting a house for this younge widow. She lost her husband in the flood, and now is living on the compound withher two small children. She's been given this house as well as employment to provide for herself, and protect her from men who might pose a threat to a younge woman.

Colocha

2010-07-15T04:27:00.000-07:00

This is Colocha, a beautiful little girl at the mal-nutrition center. She was abandoned at birth and rescued.
Her name means "curly" and while she is a happy healthy baby, thriving at Hope for Life, still holding her in my arms made me cry.
She is doing well, but what about all of the babies who have yet to be rescued?

More More More

2010-07-15T04:16:00.000-07:00

The Lord has really been pushing me to ask him for "More." I'm trying, but to be honest, I don't know what "more" is.
It reminds me of a story I read about Katheryn Kuhlman as a little girl. She'd stand behind her father and say "Daddy, give me a nickle." He'd pretend he didn't hear her and she'd ask again and again until he'd swoop around and pull her into his lap and give her a nickle. As an adult he recounted this story to her, and said, "My precious daughter. I would have given you anything you'd asked... you only limited yourself because you didnt'know to ask for more."
I can see this in myself,- like a little kid who things $100 is the biggest amount in the world,- enought to buy a candy bar and a house and a car.
But we all know there is so much more than $100!
God is telling me there is more than I've been asking for, more than I've been willing to accept.
I don't know what it is, but I'm asking for it!

Representin'

2010-07-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm not done with the Guatemala stories, but I read this today and thought it was interesting.

1 Chron 22:7 "I wanted to build a Temple to honor the name of the Lord my God," David told him. "But the Lord said to me, 'You have killed many men in the great battles you have fought. And since you have shed so much blood before me, you will not be the one to build a Temple to honor my name. But you will have a son who will experience peace and rest. I will give him peace with his enemies in all the surrounding lands. His name will be Solomon and I will give peace and quiet to Isreal during his reign. He is the one who will build a Temple to honor my name......'"

David, was a man after God's own heart, but at the same time, God didn't want someone with a reputation as a killer to be the one to build his house of prayer,- he wanted someone with a reputation as a peacemaker.

Do you think you are building in the kingdom of God?
What is your reputation?

Wilmer

2010-07-07T09:06:00.001-07:00

One day this little boy approached our car when we stopped at the office.
"Como se llama?" I asked
"Wilmer," he responded with a crossed eyed smile.
You couldn't help but love him.
I gave him a stick of gum and he smiled bigger. Then he reached in the window and started rummaging through Michelle's bag, looking for candy.
The next day we went on a tour of the compound and stopped by the malnutrition center. This is for children who are malnourished, or abandoned. For 6 out of 10 children it is too late by the time they arrive. too much damage has been done to their little bodies, and they don't make it. But for those who do, the transformation is amazing. Their before and after pictures are displayed in the hallway. It almost brought tears to my eyes when I saw this:

Our little gum chomper had been rescued himself. I'd never had guessed if I hadn't seen the picture myself.
that really just sealed in my heart the importance of the ministry that was being done in Zacapa.

This is baby Mario. He's an unbelievable 7 months old.

And here are several of our girls with babies and toddlers of various ages.

Guatemala Stories

2010-07-07T08:35:00.000-07:00

Okay Okay,now a bit about the guatemala trip....
Guatemala was a beautiful country combining my favorite parts of my favorite countries. Guatemala city reminded me a lot of Maputu, Mozambique, but Zacapa was mountainous like Swaziland. And of course the people were lovely and gracious like the Brazilians so it was a triple win!
But this trip was by far the hardest trip I've been on,- mentally, physically, emotionally. However I'm not affraid of a challenge. I know "suffering" is the place where were are tested, challenged, and grow, so I tried to take it all in with a good attitude.

The temperatures and humidity were both high and a lot of days were were working outside. In addition, our beginning living quarters were more like bunkers with community bathrooms,- and y'all know how I am with my downtime and personal space. This was fixin' to drive me crazy!

But through it all I had to keep in mind, the advice Ben Rogers gave me back in Swaziland, "A good servant isn't offended when she's treated like a servant" So many times I'll do a task and get it done, but it would never be considered serving. Serving is an attitude. Serving is excellence. Serving is Humility.

This was the question that kept rising up in my spirit.
Will you serve me?
Will you serve me when you are hot?
Will you serve me when you are tired?
Will you serve me when you are sick?
Will you serve me when the task doesn't seem like 'ministry'?
Will you serve me when someone one else gets all the credit?
Will you serve me?

All of these were hard, but I know I'm better because of meeting the challenge.

Just my opinion, don't send me death threats

2010-07-05T13:52:00.000-07:00
I'll say it.
I'll blaspheme.
I know I will offend most of you. A few of you will end our friendship. Some of you might even threaten my life, or the life of my cat.
But I can no longer stay silent.

I don't understand the appeal of Twilight.

I've heard women from 9 years to-50 years rave about the stories. Even a few guys.

So I thought I'd at least give it a shot. I got the first book from the library. And now after 3 weeks and 350 pages, I'm bored.
It's slow, repetative, I can't quite figure out what the plot is suppose to be, and it's kinda scary.
No, not vampire scary, but Edwards-gets-bored-at-night-and-watches-Bella-sleep scary. When I was in high school we called that stalking. Now it's called love.

I've heard so much about the love story, and I don't really see a love story here. I see an obsession and a struggle over self control.
Some women (and I'm talking grown women here) have expressed a desire for a man, like Edward, who would give up everything, and deny themselves because they are so in love a woman.

If that's you,( and I say this 100% judgement free) then put down the Twilight series, and pick up your Bibles. Read Hosea, read John. The love story is true, better, and has a happier ending. :0)
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one those nay-sayers who think books like these are evil and will destroy our civilization. Maybe it can even be of some good if it helps you to recognize an unfulfilled longing within yourself. I hope you all find what you're looking for, I do.

But I think the problem is that women read books like these, or watch chick flicks and beleive that people like this exist (I'm talking about romantics not vampires) and that if they could only meet him then their lives would be happy.

But they never pursuit the one relationship that can truely make them happy. And that's why these twi-hards make me so sad.

Why is he such a great opera singer?

2010-05-23T08:08:00.001-07:00

I was listening to an opera singer this morning. Ben Somebody. He's suppose to be good,- really good. One of the best in the world actually. So I gave him a chance.

To me it sounded like opera. La La LAAAAAHHHHHH!
But I don't know why this guy was great.

Not that he sounded bad, don't get me wrong. He didn't hit any sour notes or anything. But what is it that makes him greater than any other Joe Opera?
I'm not familiar with opera, and my ear's never been trained like the critics so anyone singing lah lah lah would sound good to me, so long as they weren't drastically bad. Tell me anyone was the best in the world and I'd gullibility believe you 'cause I don't know the standard.

I think that's a problem with people in many ways. Just look at American Idol. Lots of people go on there thinking they sound good. Maybe someone even told them they sound good. And maybe to me they're not too bad. But the ones who are trained in this stuff, who make it their business to know the standards, it's all off.
I'm thinking about all of this stuff in light of my own spirituality. I've been reflecting and questioning a lot of my spirituality these last few months.
I usually think I'm a pretty good person.

But why?
Is it because I don't hit a majorly wrong note? Or because other people seem to think I'm pretty good. Or because I do "good things" like go to church.
But I know when I look at the standard of what is right, or "true religion" as the Bible discribes it, I often fall short.
Am I walking in love? Am I caring for the widows and orphans? Am I sacrificing for others? Am I patient?
Often the answer is no.
Maybe I'm not a great as I think I am.

meet & greet

2010-05-18T13:49:00.000-07:00
I haven’t been to my lady doctor appointment in 3 years. So I figured I should probably go.
I got a recommendation for a good doctor here in GB from a few friends. I called for an appointment.
“Well, first we have to have a meet & greet appointment,” the receptionist told me.
Is this like an audition? Do I have to prepare interview questions? Who exactly is interviewing whom? I wondered.
So we met & gret, and she explained “I simply like to do this first so new patients can come and see the office, and ask any questions they might have of me, and that way they can feel comfortable.
I really appreciate that.
I do.
But she’s a lady doctor. I don’t care how many meets & greets we do. I will never feel comfortable with her.I will never lie there in a paper gown with my feet up in stirrups thinking to myself, “Wow! This isn’t awkward at all. I’m so glad that we sat down together for 15 minutes. This might have been horrible, but now it’s kinda like a girl’s-night-in”
I hope they don’t bill my insurance for that.

Just thinking outloud

2010-05-01T05:31:00.000-07:00
Mory is one of my Kind gardeners.
A very chatty character.
I've noticed over the school year that he's now being raised in the Muslim faith. (I don't think this was always the case but I'm not 100% sure. I mean he's 6 so you can't always figure these things out.)
Anyway the other day as we were working together we started talking about Allah (which I know is simply the Arabic word for God)and how he was angry.
"No, Mory, I don't think Allah is angry at you. I think he loves us very much."
"No! he is." he insisted. "You have to pray down like this" he showed me how he kneels down, bowing low to pray. "You have to pray everyday."
"I do pray Mory. But I don't bow like that, I just sit up."
"Yes, that's how Americans pray. But, Africans, we have to pray like this" (again, he's only 6, so he's associated America with Christianity and Africa with Islam)
"If you don't, then Allah will take you tongue like this, (putting it out) and he'll pound a nail through it. He'll crush on you. He'll pound you like 'Boom Boom'" (not really sure if this is in the Koran or if this is just what he's been told. Like how a kid might be told by his Catholic mother that he'll go to hell if he gets a tattoo. )
But Mory, being the animated character that he is, was enthusiastically pounding his fist and making God's angry face. And then it kinda dawned on him,- dawned on him what he was saying, and how that effected me. He got very somber.
It's like he realized the 'bad guy' that would be pounded, would be me.
"So you have to pray. Okay? Okay, Miss Merrill? Just sometimes... sometimes pray like that okay?"
Only the thing is, the thing that I couldn't articulate to this six year old, it that I'm not afraid of that happening, because I don't believe that's God's character.
On the way home I started wondering about people who live far from God and how they interact with Christians. I guess if the only message they ever heard of is "repent or go to hell" they would no more believe it than I did with Mory.
Several of my students are Muslim, and it's been interesting talking with them and learning about their faith. (the older ones are more articulate than a kindergartner) But sometimes I wonder what they think about me. Do they think I'm a bad person because I eat pork or because I don't cover my head when I pray. None of them have ever said anything like that, but I wonder if they judge me.
but what about my non-christian friends? Do they wonder what I think about them? Do they fear that I secretly judge them?

Children of God

2010-02-20T09:52:00.000-08:00
I'm reading for my psychology class today about the development of morals in early children. I found this interesting.
Piaget noted that young children have their design of morality around the concepts of rules that are established by an authority. They are absolute.
This makes sense if you 've ever tried to watch 2 young children play a game. "You can't to that...it's the rules." It also works if you are the authority. "Because I said so" is enough to get a response. It's as if in their little brains, it's not possible to be disobedient.
However the next step is for children to figure out that "rules" are flexible and don't necessarily have to be followed. Maybe this is where rebellion is developed. They see it is possible to not do it. "Mom says..." does not have the same effect it use to.
But Piaget's third phase of moral development happens when children develop playmates for cooperation. There is a morality of reciprocity and not just obedience.
This is when relationships occur. Children play and work together in ways, not because it is a rule, or because mom says,but because it enhances the quality of the relationship.

I recognize how much my faith has develops like this. How about you? We've all known new Christian who is so excited to learn and share all the rules?

You can't get drunk. You can't have sex. You can't tell lies. Why? Because God says so. It's the rules.
But somewhere down the line we figure out....umm, yeah, you actually can. You can do whatever you really want to, regardless of what God says. You don't have to be obedient.
But finally we begin to develop a relationship with Him, that is actually a relationship. It occurs if we learn the morality of reciprocity and not just obedience.
It's no longer about rules. It's about enhancing the quality or relationship with Him.
Interesting

Cathartic

2010-02-14T14:28:00.000-08:00
I was awakened by my cell phone ringing. Before I was fully conscious I was down the stairs and fishing it out from the bottom of my purse.
Bryan calling it read.
“Bless his heart” I thought. “He doesn’t realize it’s 2 am here in Swaziland.”
But he did realize.
“We’ve had to take dad to the hospice center…. unresponsive….”
I was surprised at my calm. “Are you telling me it’s time to come home?”
“Sweetie, the nurses say he won’t make it 24 hours. There’s no time for you to come home…you need to say your good-byes now on the cell phone.”
I told him I’d just woken up. I needed a second to shake the sleep out of my head, - had to go pee. I told him I would call him back.
I calmly closed the phone.
How do you say goodbye? I wondered. Numb and dazed I wandered to the bathroom. The numb began to fade and I began to cry. I wasn’t ready to let go. I was planning on going home to see him one last time.
I scolded myself for crying now when I needed to put myself together. I needed to be strong for him one last time. I didn’t want him to worry about me. I wanted to assure him I’d be okay.
I dried my tears, steeled my spine and dialed 13 digits into my brother’s pocket.
He put the phone to my dad’s ear. “It’s Christy” he said, and my dad lifted his head to listen.
“He can’t talk” Bryan had warned me, “But he’s aware.”
How do you say goodbye?
I couldn’t do it.
So I prayed instead.
I thanked Jesus for giving him to me as my dad, and released him back into His care.
And I assured dad that I would be alright.
I ended the conversation with my brother’s promise to call me every few hours.
By 6am he was gone.
Susan came quickly to comfort me. She was the only one I could bear to face. Her quiet strength and peaceful heart were my support.
She just listened.
And I’ll never forget the deep sadness I felt as I pulled back the heavy drapes in my dining room, revealing a beautiful sunrise and beautiful exotic flowers blooming in the Africa beyond them.
Oh how he loved flowers.
I began to weep again.
It’s going to be such a beautiful day here on Earth… and he won’t be here to see it.
But almost as an afterthought came the realization, He does see it, but just from another angle. He can still enjoy the beauty of creation.
I had to smile at the thought of him walking mile after mile of gloriously created gardens, with blooms that never wither. Now he can walk as far as he’d like, and not lose his breath or have to rest.
I’ve have missed him often these past 2 years,-when the daffodils bloomed, when the garden grew like crap, when the horses ran around the race track, when I found his childhood stocking at the bottom of the box of decorations, when Jack Nicholson vomited in The Bucket List, when I play Farmville….
I miss him still.

2010-02-10T14:13:00.000-08:00
I know it's been a long time. Nothing to write about...and that's a problem in more ways than one.
I'm currently reading Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years. If you haven't you should. 1,- because it's a good book and 2- because none of this will make sence if you haven't read it.
But this book speaks to my heart. I can relate to writing all of my ideas on paper only to find that others have been living their lives in reality as I lived mine on a computer screen. I can relate to wanting a bigger story. I can relate to saving a few cats, but thinking,- what for? The audience will root for me, but is the audience rooting for?
I need a bigger story. Well acutally, I feel like I need a story period. I've ceased to live life since coming home. Hence the lack of blogs.
No Donald Miller, if you are reading this, I don't need life to write, just the opposite. But it's the lack of enthusiasm caused by living life that had kept me from writing.
I don't know how my big story should go, but I've known for years that it's out there. I'm looking for it. And in the meantime I'm hunting for creative scenes.
(See, I told you it wouldn't make sence)

The lights are on, is anybody home?

2009-12-27T16:13:00.000-08:00

Last week I left my porch light on all day. The sun came up and I forgot it was there.
When I drove home from work I noticed it was on.
"Hmmm. I'll have to remember to turn it off when I go inside."
But of course I got distracted and forgot all about it. So it was on until evening.
Isn't it funny that when the day is sunny you don't even notice a bright light is shining. You have no need for it.
But when the darkness comes... oh when the darkness comes.

Why is it so easy to forget about the light when the days are sunny? Maybe we feel we don't need Him. Maybe you are the kind of person who does recognize your need for Him everyday. But even so, I'm sure you pursue Him 10 times more in a time of darkness.

"sorrow is better than laughter, for sadness has a refining influence on us." Ecclesiastes 7:3

"... Give me just enough to satisfy my needs. For if I grow rich I may deny you and say 'Who is the Lord?'..." Proverbs 30:8-9

I've never likes these two verses, but I respect the truth in them. They hold a mirror to our human condition, even if they don't tickle our ears.

Christmas lights

2009-12-24T04:49:00.000-08:00

I've been waking up early each day even though I'm on break. I enjoy looking out into the dark morning to see the Christmas lights on my bushes.
This week the mornings have been soooo dark, making the lights even more beautiful.
Today it struck me,- it's during the darkest days of the year that we choose to celebrate the coming of the light.

My Dylan

2009-11-28T06:14:00.001-08:00
Heidi use to say, "If I could find a man who loved me half as much as my students do, I'd be a happy woman"
Students have the tendency to adore you! And it makes me adore them so much in return. My little Dylan currently holds the title of the "sweetest thing"
A few weeks ago we were learning the word "lovely." We used it in all different context and really he just showed no recognition and didn't really care about it.
Finally a few weeks later he asked to see my name badge again. He loves to look at the picture and run his fingers over my name and read it.
"Your hair down" he said.
"Yes, my hair was straight that day. I didn't curl it."
He stared at it lovingly. "(sigh)ahhhh. ....lovely"
Oh I could just kiss him!
I also taught him the word "gentle" after he slapped my hand away one day. He seemed to grasp that one right away. When I stood up he patted my butt.
"Gentle" he said.
I couldn't help but laugh. Yes, gentle. Inappropriate, but gentle.

2009-10-25T04:53:00.000-07:00
Ex 21:8 If she is displeasing in the eyes of her master who designated her for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed.......

Yes, I know this is about a female slave, but it spoke to me this morning. This one sentence jumped out.

I have been displeasing in the eyes of my master who designated me for Himself.... thank you Jesus for redeeming me.

And now a word from our sponsor:

2009-10-14T03:33:00.000-07:00

THE FOLLOWING IS A PAID CELEBRITY ENDORSEMENT. THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS EXPRESSED DO NOT NECESSARILY REFLECT THE THE VIEWS OF THE NETWORK OR THEIR STAFF.

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Oh the blessings

2009-10-13T15:18:00.000-07:00
I've been loving my new job. No 8am is a not a perfect time, and 5 days a week has been difficult to get use too again, but I'm managing. I come home less that exhausted and can sleep in a tiny bit later than when I was teaching.
But already there are things that make me smile each day.
For example, one student Dylan is from Vietnam. He pronounces this l's as r's. So while singing his phonics song to me he sang, "J, juh...jerrybeans!" It was so cute. Now I have no choice but to call jellybeans "jerrybeans", just like I call noodles, "noogles." This little kindergardener also guesses wildly at his reading instead of looking at picture clues. As we read a book "I like" we came to a page with a boy sleeping. I prompted him, "I Like to ssssssss."
"I like to sandwich!!!!!
"No Dylan,-"
"I like to snake!!!"
ha ha, he never did get it. I finally had to tell him.
But even better is the blessing of knowing I'm helping these children. I have an 8th grader who most teachers have dismisses as un-motivated and is failing almost every class. (amazing after 4 weeks huh?)
I was dreading working with him thinking I was going to get resistance and attitude from a kid who didn't want me around him.
But on the second day he and I worked together to understand the preamble to the constitution. It only took about 15 minutes work outside of the class and he had a decent grasp of its meaning. As I started to leave that day, he looked me in the eyes and said, "Thank you."
Oh, that was better than any paycheck. And now each day I see him, his face immediately lights up. We always have big hurdles to tackle, but we are making progress in the right direction.

Dressed for battle

2009-09-19T14:46:00.000-07:00
David was sent into battle. He tried to wear Saul’s armor, but didn’t feel comfortable in it.
It wasn’t made for him. He shrugged it off and succeeded in defeating Goliath with just a sling and a stone, the weapons he was use it.
Recently I’ve been trying to be patient in a very frustrating situation. It’s been dragging on for over five months. I’ve been patient, I’ve been understanding, and I’ve been calm.
And nothing was getting done.
That’s it. I’ve had enough. Nothing ever gets done when you are kind. I’m getting nasty.I made the call I needed.
Now I wasn’t rude or offensive in anyway. I didn’t cuss him out, or make empty threats. But I let know I meant business and I got immediate results.
“Do you see why I hate being a woman? “ I complained to Steve. “No one takes you seriously unless you act like a bitch. It’s the only way to get anything accomplished.”
But regardless of results, the whole situation left me feeling icky.
I still had to settle up with this guy, and I was absolutely dreading going through the whole hard-edge routine again.
It went on for a few days. I really wasn’t sure how I was gonna handle the whole situation.
I sat in my thinking chair hugging my bible. “Lord, I’m sure you have an answer for me in here somewhere. But I have no idea where to look.”
I opened my bible and landed on Colossians 3 and found these verses UNDERLINED:

8 But now is the time to get rid of anger, rage, malicious behavior, slander, and dirty language…12 Since God chose you to be the holy people whom he loves, you must clothe yourself…

(and at this point as my eyes were going down to the next line to read I thought to myself, ‘I know how to dress for battle. It’s in Ephesians 6, breast plate of righteousness, shoes of piece, blah blah blah)

Then my eyes settled on the next line and saw: …with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. You must make allowance for each other’s faults and forgive the person who offends you… And the most important piece of clothing you must wear is love.. Love is what binds us all together in perfect harmony, And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your heart.”

Wow. I felt the Lord speaking to my heart:
You’ve felt so uncomfortable because, like David, you were trying to wear armor that was not created for you.
Ugh.
So from here on out, the hard edge bitch is not an option. It’s fine, I’ve never enjoyed it. It’s just not me. I guess this is the point I follow his lead, and Allow Him to fight my battles.

More of my ponderings...

2009-09-16T14:00:00.000-07:00
Sometimes people say, "I'm not sure what God's will is in this situation..." and when things turn out okay they assume they must have unknowingly stumbled upon it.
Other times I've heard the arguement against biblical ideas, "How can that be wrong? I know so-and-so and they've done that and they have a blessed life."
But in Genesis 17: 19 we see that things that we create ourselves can still be blessed by God.

"...as for Ishmael, I will bless him also, just as you have asked. I will cause him to multiply and become a great nation. Twelve princes will be among his descendants. But my covenant is with Isaac, who will be born to you and Sarah about this time next year."

Also, hundreds of years later, God gave his people a king when they asked for him, although his intention was always for them to be governed my him. And in spite of that He still longed to bless them.

Getting out of the will of God doesn't always result in the proverbial slap on the wrist. Sometimes we are still blessed inspite of it.

So now I have to ask the tough question, and maybe you should ask this of yourself too: How important is it to me to remain in his will?
Or does it not matter so long as I am blessed?

The answer exposes...

Am I a woman after God's own heart?... or a woman after his blessing?

Goodbye Ishmael

2009-09-16T12:35:00.000-07:00
We always think Abraham didn't infact have to sacrifice his son, because God stopped him at the last minute.
The willingness was all that actually mattered.
By sparing Isaac, the Lord kept Abraham from losing everything.
But we forget Abraham did have another son that he did have to sacrifice...the son of his own planning.
Even though he was not the "son of promise" I doubt that Abraham loved him any less.
I doubt casting him out was a simple thing.
There are time God requires us to let go of things we love so much. Especially if it is things we've conjured up ourselves.
It's not an easy thing to do.
Necessary.
But not easy.

The Job!

2009-09-11T06:34:00.000-07:00
Sometimes I can't see the whole picture. I don't understand the plan. But I love as it all unfolds.
I just got a job! I a job, that when I first learned about it, I thought, "Nah, that's not for me. I'm not interseted."
But as time went on, I realized, "This is my job. This is the one I'm suppose to have."
And sure enough, I applied and got it.
I'll be working throughout Gennessee County with English as a Second Languge Students. I'll go from school to school working with students 1-1, small groups or even in the classroom.
I feel so blessed. I can't be in Swaziland anymore, but God is bringing multiple nations to me!
I can not tell you how excited I am about this, and how much I love these children already. I've never met them but I'm praying for them and their families already.
Who knows what doors might open!

2009-08-22T07:16:00.000-07:00
I've been feeling so unsettled this week. There is just so much brewing in my brain, it's hard to get much relief.
I've been back for 8 months now.
Why?
What am I suppose to be doing back here in Flint? I'm just so unsatisfied with everything.
The rest and novelty of being unemployed have been gone for a while. I'm bored, and find myself filling my days with meaningless activities that now bring no amusement.
I want to go back to work. But doing what?
Teaching? That would be the easy answer. But I can't really say I'm suppose to be teaching. That doesn't mean I'm not trying to teach,- trust me. But I feel like that's the easy way out.
I remember years ago hearing a sermon about after Jesus' death the disciples went back to what they knew.
They'd had this amazing experience with Jesus, and then it all seemed to end and in their confusion and doubt they went back to whatever it was before. We see that when Jesus found Peter again he was fishing. He questioned his love and commitment 3 times and prophesied about who Peter would become.
I feel so much like Peter right now. Coming off the mission field to .....what?
Like Peter, I find myself scratching my head and thinking, "It wasn't suppose to be this way."
I want so desperately to grab onto and cling to anything "normal" or "safe" or "familiar" or "regular"
God has grabbed hold of me this week, through different conversations with people, and given me a good shake.
I'm sensing once again that I'm missing something I shouldn't. If I believe what I say I believe, shouldn't my life look different?
But I think I'm afraid of that difference. I'm afraid of the boldness. I'm afraid of that life which he will call me to. I'm afraid to encounter Jesus on that beach and have him question my love, my commitment, and prophesy who I will become.

Humility

2009-08-13T04:56:00.000-07:00
As John Ortberg defines it, humility is letting God be God. I've always liked that definition.
He tells a story in his book The Life you Always Wanted about a christian school who was putting on a play, and one little boy was assigned the part of God. His job was to stand on a ladder, shine a flashlight down and read his lines. But one day at practice he told the teacher, "I can't do this. I just feel too crazy to be God today."
That story makes me smile on those days when I've tried, (and failed) to work my own plan. These are the days I have to throw up my hands and say, "Ugh, It's too much work to be God today." And that's when humility sinks in.
Oh yeah, I"m not suppose to be God.

It's happened a lot lately.

If you can't tell, the newness and fun and relaxation of being unemployed has worn off. I'm ready for something...anything.
I'm bored.

I know some of you don't believe it's possible but day after day on nothingness gets old after 8 months.

And job hunting in Michigan is no easy feat right now, so I often find myself discouraged. Considering I don't really know what I want to do doesn't help things either.

So the last few days I've really had to let go and let God be God. I'm starting to think this job will be something I just kinda stumble upon, like everything else in my life right now.

I stumbled upon Vilma. I stumbled upon Jabu. I stumbled upon Steve. I wasn't looking for any of them, and yet God has brought them into my life,- and I am so blessed by each of them.

Susan blogged today about complaining, and the definition is "to find fault in."

Yikes!

How can I find fault in God's perfect plan? His plan to bless me, and give me a future and a hope? He is for me. He can be trusted. Oh shame on me for saying it's not right.

Humility. I have to bring myself back to it daily. I need to let God be God.

I'm late

2009-08-06T10:47:00.000-07:00

I'm sure I've talked about this before. I feel like I'm late in life.
I guess I've done everything else later than my friends.
My friends went off to college right away.
I stayed in Flint for a year.
My friends all moved away for college or work.
I waited until I was 24.
My friends are all married with kids (or so it seems)
And yet at 32...nuthin.'
This started up again last night, when I added a former co-worker as a face book friend.
He's listed as married.
How could he be married? He just got engaged.
But he'd just got engaged when I saw him 2 years ago.
Once again it's that black hole vortex of Africa. Where you go and life zooms by so quickly and then when you come back, you realize that life has gone on without you in so many different areas, and you are no further along than before.
It's a crappy feeling.
So now that I've vented I have to go and practice my latest routine.
When I'm feeling crappy I've been making myself sit down, and list what I "know" is bucolically true, as opposed to what I'm "feeling"
Feelings can't be trusted. They are too fickle.
But before I did that, I just wanted to emotionally vomit.

Sad

2009-08-04T18:41:00.001-07:00

I've been going through the stores and seeing all of the Back-to-school displays:
new crayons, new pencils, back packs, glue sticks, and all of the wonderful smells of new school supplies.
And this year I have no part in it.
I know I haven't taught in 2 years, but I was away from all of the festivities.
This year seeing it all has made me sad. I want to be part of this again, and I'm just not. I spent the afternoon in Borders and walked through the kid's section.
Tons of my favorite stories were there, and I have no one to but them for.
Bummer. This has really gotten me down.

2009-07-31T17:57:00.001-07:00
In 2006 I took a trip in my time machine to snap photos of celebs in the future
Oh my, they don't age well.
Well, you might not have been a loyal reader then, but you can check the archives. And now, I'm at it again:

2009-07-31T17:25:00.000-07:00

My hormones have been going crazy, and they are threatening to ruin my life.
My emotions have been off the wall.
I woke up this morning on the verge of tears, and I can't even tell you why. Is waking up really that upsetting?

And different circumstances in life have just had a field day with this. Typical life stuff, and medium size decisions have suddenly threatened to be my ruin with the hormones influencing everything.
But in the midst of all this, I've found peace.

Yup. Peace.

Somehow, one day recently I realized to take my own advice. People often say "how do I know if I'm doing the right thing? This or that?" And they get all worked up into a tizzy. I always tell them, "If you are truly trying to follow God, and trying your best to hear him and obey Him, then he won't let you miss it. He'll make it clear to you."
So I decided to do nothing these last few days. I put my "feelings" to the side, since they can't be trusted anyway. I have put the situations out of my head and decided to "Think about what ever is good, what ever is pure...."
and I trust that the Lord will make His way known.

Confucius says...

2009-07-26T05:21:00.000-07:00

Three days ago I was thinking how happy I was to have a cat.
Not a dog.
A cat.
Cats snuggle but don't bark. They are independent. They are low maitenance.
You don't have to potty them. You can run free and have no responsibility. You don't have to let them out every few hours.
You can leave them with a huge bowl of kibble and go up north for a few nights.
Cats are perfect pets.
Then two days ago a little dog wandered into my yard.
Where did you come from little guy...girl...whatever you are?

I am home now. its little wag seemed to say.
I want to sit in your lap.
I want you to rub my belly 'til I sleep.
I'm your baby.
I love you

It seemed confused.
I'm not it's momma. But it had no tags and no neighbor knew where he belonged.

what are you? a boy or a girl?
No answer.
Well go pee then. Boys hike, girls squat.

Obediently, the little dog walked into the grass.
It squatted...and hike it's leg at the same time. This 3-legged balancing triangle had me in stitches.
This dog is very confused.
I named it Confucius.

But I don't want a dog.

I began to fall for it.
No! No! I have a cat. I don't need a dog.

But the cat loved it.
With soft slowing wispy fur, the cat thought I'd brought him an animated cat toy. He bound through the house swatting at it.

The dog did not love the cat back.

But this is responsibility. I didn't ask for this!
My God, it felt like an unplanned pregnancy.

Finally, I decided I had to find it's home. Confucius was obviously cared for. Some one would be missing him...er...her. I pictured in my mind an old granny in the near by neighborhood calling for her baby... crying.

Yes, I had to find its home.

My tobacco chewing mail man said there was a home nearby that had a little dog like it. He told me the address.
I put Confucius in the car and we took a drive.

Ringing the doorbell I heard lots of other little dogs yipping inside.
Are you missing a little black dog?
Yes.
I have it here.
I handed Confusious over to a non-granny.
Oh thank you.. All of Grand Blanc will know her sooner or later. She gets out all of the time.
Well...she didn't have a collar on.Blank stare.
Yeah, well, we really need to get that fence fixed....I didn't even know she was missing. I just got home form work. I figured she was holed up somewhere sleeping.

Grrr to you non-granny. Very Grrr.

So now the cat and I are keeping our eyes out for the animated cat toy to come through to our fixed-fence yard again. We have a collar waiting for Confucius and we will notice when she is gone.

I would welcome the responsibility.

The job search

2009-07-19T17:35:00.000-07:00
Warning this is PG-13 Reader be warned

You know I've been looking for a job. Anything that I'd enjoy really. A few months ago I saw an ad posted for a writer... a blog writer.
I thought, "wow! local, paid per article, I can do this."
so I wrote an inquiry to ask more details.

So the response was:

We are looking for local blog writers to review our adult products and toys. You will need to use each product and write your review and opinion of each one....

Ummmmmm.........what? ahhhhhhh.......no.
I couldn't help but call Heidi laughing.
"Girl, I have been neither single, nor unemployed long enough to take that job."

Hey buddy, go google yourself!

2009-05-07T17:53:00.000-07:00
Hey have you ever timed your name into google and seen what popped up? Man, look what I've apparently been up to:

Homicide suspect arrested for bond violations

Julie Holmquist 02.MAY.07

POLK COUNTY - A Luck man out on a $50,000 bond and facing Polk County felony homicide charges was arrested Monday at the Turtle Lake Casino for bond violations.

The St. Croix Tribal Police and Turtle Lake Police arrested Derek Mosay, 21, around 12:30 a.m. in a Turtle Lake St. Croix Casino hotel room. Mosay was found with Christy Merrill, 23, Siren, in the hotel room with empty bottles of beer.

Some of the conditions of the bond were no drinking of alcohol and no contact with Merrill.

Merrill was also arrested on a Polk County misdemeanor bail-jumping charge.

Mosay is accused of backing a van over Mike Ellis, a 45-year-old from the Round Lake community who was found dead last fall at his home.

Ellis died after Mosay allegedly backed Ellis’ van over his body following a fight at Ellis’ home on 211 60th Street.

Witnesses told Polk County investigators in September that Ellis had intervened in a fight between Mosay and Merrill, Mosay’s girlfriend at that time.

Mosay pled not guilty last November on charges of homicide by intoxicated use of a vehicle and second-degree reckless homicide. Each felony count carries a possible maximum sentence of 25 years in prison, a fine of $100,000, or both.

Mosay also pled not guilty to misdemeanor battery charges. A charge of resisting an officer was dismissed at that time.

On Monday, authorities said a preliminary test indicated Mosay had an alcohol level of .144, and Merrill had an alcohol level of .180, which is above the legal limit.

Mosay was out of jail on a $50,000 bond after paying a cash amount of $15,000.

2009-05-01T07:07:00.000-07:00
Years ago I remember the Lord speaking to me "You can have everything that you want, it will just look very different than you imagined."
I had forgotten about that for a long time and was just reminded of it yesterday.
I came back to america in December with lots of ideas of what I wanted and how it would look. Through the months each of my ideas have gone down in a blaze of glory! I've been totally pruned.
But realizing this, I've let go of my expectations, and have been praying that God renew each aspect in his way.
And he has begun bit by bit to give me all the things I want,- in such surprising ways.
You already know about Jabu, the most wonderful pet companion in the shape of a cat.
But now the Lord has placed the most wonderful encouraging loving friend in my life, Vilma.
You know I've been strugglin here to make friends. Not just regular aquaintances that you say hi to at church, but real deep, honest friendships. The people in Flint are just so different and I often feel out of place, like I don't fit in with these people.
A week ago I was doing laundry and there was a ring at my doorbell.
Who could that be?
I went to the door and was greeted by a smiling face.
"helloo. I nuw jur fathar. I'm Vilma. Vilma Jobb. Cuum. Let us seet here and talk."
The little Hungarian woman, whom I seem to tower over, teetered to the the porch chairs. I followed and we sat and talked.
It almost seemed as though we'd known each other for years.
She told me she began visiting my father 8 years ago when he was selling his garden vegetables. I remembered my dad speaking fondly of her, saying she reminded him of his mother. Through the years she's befriended our neighbors, my aunt, my mom and stepdad, and now me.
Everytime I leave her presence, I feel like I've been with an angel. She is just precious.
So Thank you Lord for giving me a new friend. I never would have chosen an 85 year old Hungarian refugee myself, but am so glad you did.

Wanted: Zombi killers

2009-04-20T06:46:00.000-07:00
I'm not kidding. This was on the cragislist posts for jobs in Flint:

Zombie killer:Have a zombie problem, need reliable help between the hours of midnight and about 5AM, monday through friday. Experience preferred but will train a motivated candidate. Own weapons and vehicle are extremely helpful. Must not be afraid of zombies. Must pass a drug screening. Thanks.

I wonder if there is a 401K with that?

2009-04-13T12:18:00.000-07:00
... And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, ... Luke 15:20
A man of the father's stature wouldn't have run... ever. No infact servanats would have run for him. He would have strolled, sauntered, strutted, even moseyed... but never run. It was below him.
And yet when he saw his lost son, who he'd pined for for so many years, he lifted his robe, undignified himself, and ran to his son who was returning.
Many people envision God as a bully who wants to squash you for doing wrong.
Lightning and thunder crash when he finds you and he's going to knock you dead on the spot.

Some people know God will forgive them, but expect to have to listen to a list of "terms and conditions" as well as a few "I-was-right-and-you-were-wrongs" first.

But this is a picture of a God who is willing to undignify himself.
I heard a man on television once say that he wouldn't beleive in a God that would forgive any sin. What kind of God would forgive a murderer or child-molester.
But God doesn't care what you, me, or anyone else thinks of the forgiveness he offers to another person. He doesn't need our permission. He's not concerned of what the neighbors might think he runs out to take his child in his arms. He's happy he has returned.

Jabu's Parable

2009-04-13T09:19:00.000-07:00
Jabu has been such an awesome addition. I've really enjoyed having him here.
Often he comes to me just as he wakes up and snuggles with me a while. He follows me around the house just to check out what I'm doing.
But he's a busy kitty. He's often preoccupied. I'll call him to come and sit on my lap while I watch a movie, but walks off after a brief consideration. He knows where I'll be when he wants to settle down. But for now it's off to watch the world outside the windows. He plays contently, takes his medicine (even though he pouts afterwards,) and only goes in the places he's allowed. Then occasionally he'll jump into my lap, lay his head against my chest and snuggle against me. But it's only a matter of time before he sees a bird out the window, or a little bug fluttering in the lamp light.
Such a restless kitty.

2009-04-12T07:10:00.000-07:00
In my current state of pruned-ness I have a lot of time just sitting and listening, reflecting, wondering, dreaming.
This is the part He's been speaking to me about. The rest.
I've stopped striving. I'm just waiting.
There was so much He spoke to me in Africa,- about marriage coming soon, the new ministry I'll be released into, a job where I can serve him,-and as I'm looking around I see absolutley none of it. It makes me laugh.
Are you sure about this?
But in spite of no evidence around me, I trust Him completely. And to be honest, I know it will all fall into place.
I just keep thinking about how I came across Jabu. I'd been visiting the humane society for weeks and never found the right dog. Then I came across him and it was love at first sight. Turns out the best dog for me was a cat all along.
I feel the rest will be the same. Now that I've stopped telling God how everything will work out I can just live day by day without the un-productive striving. It's that rest He's been talking about.
Just like Jabu, I know God has the right things waiting to put in place,-work, ministry, and marriage. But I won't be surprised if they're totally different that how I anticipated them.

Day at a tiny vineyard

2009-04-10T16:11:00.000-07:00

Today I went to Rob Macolmnson's farm to help prune the grape vines. I've been learning that vines are a symbol of a faith or belief,-a type of religion if you will. Being Good Friday, there's nothing I thought could have been cooler.
The winding grape vines looked full and promising to me- the non-farmer type. I thought they looked fine. I thought we could just leave them and they'd be full of fruit come summer.
"No, all of this has to be cut off. It has to be cut back to the old wood." [essentially the stem of the plant]
"All of it?" I asked.
"Yeah, all of it. Fruit only grows on the new growth. So if you want a lot produced you have to cut off everything."
"Well then, how does it ever spread? How do you get big vineyards?"
"Well you can leave a few branches, if it's kinda filling in a bare spot. But it won't produce anything... But you have to look at these branches here, all the way back to the old wood. And if there are a couple together, you have to choose which one and cut the other, it's too much competition. "
Oh man! As they say in the south, That'll preach!!!!
I've been going through a lot of pruning these past few months,- job, ministry, relationship. Everything has been cut back to the "old wood." But God is showing me that the competition had to go. My fruit will not grow this year on last year's growth. It's time to start afresh. Painful as it is to be the one getting pruned, it comes with a promise of more abundant fruit to come.
Look at this beautiful Scripture. While I realize Jesus was refering to this in a spirititual context, it feels like a personal explaination to my current situation in life:
"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch that doesn't produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned for greater fruitfulness by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful apart from me. "Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who parts from me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you stay joined to me and my words remain in you, you may ask any request you like, and it will be granted! My true disciples produce much fruit. This brings great glory to my Father.
John 15:1-8
Read that last part again:
My true disciples bear much fruit. This brings much glory to the Father.
In spite of the pain, Lord, I want to bring you glory.

Fig tree Part 2

2009-04-07T07:58:00.000-07:00
So now the chapters of Matthew and Mark come to life in a whole new way.
In Matt 21, Jesus come to a fig tree bearing leaves (and therefore should have had fruit.) He found nothing and cursed it. I see now this is a type of living parable , cursing the hypocrisy around him.
The tree was “advertising “ itself as a fig tree yet had no fruit to offer. We’ve all seen in our American church, people who “advertise” themselves as Christians,- with bumper stickers, speaking Christianese at work, wearing Christian t-shirts.
And I can imagine in this season with so many people desperately seeking peace, seeking answers, seeking anything, many will begin to toy with the idea, “Well maybe I’ll pray.” Or “Maybe I’ll go to church.” They might even feel more comfortable talking with the fig-tree person they know, who seems to have something to offer.
But what will happen when they come to the fig tree and find no fruit? No love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control? Will “salvation” and T-shirts and saying “Praise the Lord” mean a thing to them when that fig-tree person is no different?
So now I see the significance of the next stories:
In Matthew and Mark, Jesus curses the fig tree (the one advertising salvation but having no fruit to give those coming to it) and then went directly into the temple and rebuked the money changers. (The story that Pastor preached on this past Sunday)
“Then Jesus said to the tree, ‘May no one ever eat your fruit again!’ And the disciples hear him say it. When they arrived back in Jerusalem, Jesus entered the Temple and began to drive out the merchants and their customers. He knocked over the tables of the money changers and the stalls of those selling doves, and he stopped everyone from bringing in merchandise. He taught them, ‘The scriptures declare “My temple will be called a place of prayer for all nations,” but you have turned it into a den of thieves.’” (Mark 11:11-17)
Matt 21:12-13 records the same temple story and then in Vs 14, the very next verse, records something very significant: “The blind and the lame came to him, and he healed them there in the Temple.”
I think it’s no coincidence that these two stories are back to back with vs. 14 thrown in there. This is a significant teaching we need to grasp. When the individual hypocrisy is dead (the fig-less fig tree) and the corporate hypocrisy has been driven out, the lame and the hurting come to Jesus.
Oh, we as the corporate church need to take this to heart as we pray for those around us, in our families, in circle of friends, and in city.
Lord, expose our hearts to help us understand. Lead us with your Holy Spirit to develop more of the fruit you desire within us. Bring our churches into humility to serve those who are ‘blind and lame.’ And do all of these things, not for our selves, but for your Glory.

The fig tree, part 1

2009-04-07T06:46:00.000-07:00

As I’ve mentioned, I’m learning about trees and their significance in the bible. It’s just been opening up a whole new understanding of the text.
For example, fig trees in Jewish tradition representing forgiveness of sin, end of exile, and restoration of the covenanted. In other words, salvation.
It's said that Jews awaiting the Messiah would pray and study the Torah under the fig trees.
Notice that Phillip found Nathanael under a fig tree when he told him they had found the Messiah, and Jesus had seen Nathanael there. (John 1:48)
So now the chapters of Matthew and Mark come to life in a whole new way.
Matt 21, Jesus come to a fig tree bearing leaves (and therefore should have had fruit.) He found nothing and cursed it. I see now this is a type of living parable , cursing the hypocrisy around him.
The tree was “advertising “ itself as a fig tree yet had no fruit to offer. I see today in our American church, people who “advertise” themselves as Christians,- with bumper stickers, speaking Christianese at work, wearing Christian t-shirts.
And I can imagine in this season with so many people desperately seeking peace, seeking answers, seeking anything, many will begin to toy with the idea, “Well maybe I’ll pray.” Or “Maybe I’ll go to church.” They might even feel more comfortable talking with the fig-tree person they know, representing salvation.
But what will happen when they come to the fig tree and find no fruit? No love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self control? Will “salvation” and T-shirts and saying “Praise the Lord” mean a thing to them when that fig-tree person is no different?

Extending the olive branch, part 2

2009-04-06T14:00:00.000-07:00
So this morning I picked up my daily devotional, Streams in the Desert. (by far the most dead-on devotional I've ever read...it's a bit scary)
"...[isolation] is an ingredient in God's plan of dealing with us. We are to enter a secret chamber of isolation in prayer and faith that is very fruitful. At certain times and places, God will build a mysterious wall around us. He will take away all the supports we customarily lean upon, and will remove our ordinaty ways fo doing things. God will close us off to something divine, completeely new and unexpected, and that cannnot be understood where we do not know what is happening, where God is cutting the cloth of our lives by a new pattern, and thus where He causes us to look to Him.
Most Christians lead a treadmill life- a life in which they can predict almost everything that will come their way. But the souls that God leads into unpredictable and special situations are isolated by Him. All they know is that God is holding them and that He is dealing in their lives. Then their expectations come from Him alone...."
I find great comfort and confirmation in this. I have no idea what He is planning and preparing, but I trust Him.

Extending the Olive branch

2009-04-06T04:46:00.000-07:00

These last few weeks have been very hard for me.
I just feel like I've been taken out of everything I was doing...and for what?
I spend my days very low key filled with things that don't really make a difference. The only one who really benefits from my existence here in the states on a regular basis is Jabu.
I've tried subbing, but really feel like the Lord has taken me out of that.
I tried volunteering but it doesn't ever seem to work out.
I've had no desire to study or write.
Now I'm not a person who finds her value or identity in what she does, but I've been so frustrated doing nothing. Sure I can find things to fill my time, but it seems purposeless. I still have the desire to love and effect people, yet I spend an overwhelming amount of time alone.
And last week it all just came to a head. I'd had enough.
"Lord why am I here? Why not just leave me in Africa? Everyday I touched some one's life. I had an effect for you kingdom. Now.... I matter to a cat. Why did you bring me back here? Why didn't you just leave me in Africa. At least I'd be making a difference for your kingdom."

And finally yesterday there was a little tug towards my bible. I sat with laptop and notebook and started researching trees in the bible (okay I'm a nerd) but discovered this about olive trees:
Olive trees begin to produce olives at 6-10 years and have their highest yield at about 45-50 years. After that it will decline. So farmers cut off every branch leaving a stump and then often will even cut the stump down.
It stands there looking dead
Then it begins to shoot sprouts, and the sprouts will bear fruit, in more abundance than before,for another 50 years.
(Then a shoot will spring from the stem of Jesse, And a branch from his roots will bear fruit. Ish 11:1 This prophecy illustrates this concept.)
Somehow this gave me peace. Every branch I've had in the past has been cut off, but it's not in vain. The next season will come, and my fruit will be even more productive.
I can accept this as I wait.

God of abundance

2009-03-31T08:10:00.000-07:00
We serve a God of Abundance. He doesn't run out.
We see 5,000 fed. They took and they took, and he continued to provide and provide. Everyone got the bread and the fish. There was no lack.

His love is the same. He is the God of Abundance. He has enough to go around.
There is enough for me, for you, for the guy down the street, the child in Africa, the lady in the check out line, the granny in the nursing home....
He will not run out. He is the God of Abundance.

Jabu

2009-03-29T18:44:00.000-07:00

Jabu has arrived home and is adjusting so well! He has a bit of a cold and I'll take him to the vet this week. But he is lovable, well behaved, and beautiful!
He likes to explore the house from top to bottom, and loves sitting in the window sills to watch nature outside. He also will snuggle up to me in my chair to nap on my lap.

Guess who is coming home today?

2009-03-28T05:19:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna be a mommy.... on saturday

2009-03-26T14:43:00.000-07:00
Yep! I' m in love. I went to the humane society. I have been for weeks and I keep seeing all these little dogs but Im just not sure. I don't one that barks, or digs or chews, or pees on my new carpet, or jump on people or isn't housebroken.
I just want one who is sweet and quiet and playful. There was one I was thinking about but when I went back yesterday he was gone. I guess he got a nice new home so that's fine.
So then yesterday I walked into a separate room where some little dogs were kept and as i walked past an upper cage a little paw stuck out and tried to take a swipe at me.
When I looked in I saw a beautiful solid black cat.
I talked to him and he pressed his whole body up against the cage for me to scratch him. When I put my face up to the cage he started batting at my nose to play.
It was love at first sight. I don't know why it didn't occur to me before. A dog with all the qualities I want is a cat.
He is six months old, and his old owner moved. Best of all he got neutered today so that will help with spraying because he's still young enough.
So he's resting a few days and I can adopt him on Saturday. I might put him on hold for a few days if I feel he needs to stay there and recover, but they said he should be fine if I keep him in a small room.
I went to walmart today and got his supplies and a few goodies as well. :0)
I'll post some pics when I get him.

2009-03-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

I'm learning to rest in Him.

"The beloved of the Lord rests in safety - the High God surrounds him all day long - the beloved rests between his shoulders."
Deut. 33:12

I made me think about all of those babies in Africa, tied upon their mother's back. They were secure.
They were resting safely between her shoulders.

They couldn't see what was ahead, only she could see the future
They would have had difficulty seeing behind them, they couldn't focus on the past.
They simple could look around, side to side and see the present.
In their security, they rested. Momma took care of all of their needs.

2009-03-05T06:22:00.000-08:00
There's a lot of things we worship: money,jobs,relationships,our youth and beauty.
But money can be spent, jobs lost, relationships ended and beauty fades.
If we allow ourselves to worship anything other than the Lord, we risk loosing the very thing we love.

Child of God.

2009-03-03T04:20:00.000-08:00

I was subbing in a headstart classroom with 3 and 4-year olds. One activity I did with these at risk children was "message of the day" to build their oral skills and build vocabulary.
I read the message: "Tell me about a time when you had an adventure."
Hand went up. I picked one child.
"I went on a motorcycle with my uncle... and we went very fast!"
"Wow! That does sound like an adventure. Great job! Does anyone else have a story about an adventure?"
More hands. I picked a second child.
"I went on a motorcycle."
"Er...okay. Remember kids, an adventure doesn't have to be about a motorcycle. It can just be an exciting time. Any exciting time." I said. "who else?"
More hands, more picking.
"I went on a motorcycle."
"Nooooo!... okay.... I want to hear a story that's not a motorcycle story....any other adventure... but not a motorcycle.... okay? no more motorcycle adventure."
One little guy put up his hand.
"Okay, you. Tell me one."
"We saw a big boat... it was in the water..."
"Good!" I encouraged.
"...And there were dolphins... no no,- a shark!" he exagerated.
"Wow! That is exciting!" I played along.
And then dropping his eyes he mumbled under his breath, "and there was a motorcycle."
Sigh. So close.
But today I"m taking a look at my prayer life. I've been rereading a lot my old journals and my prayers have a common theme of hating being single. Perhaps I'm an at-risk student who should have been enrolled in God's headstart program for early intervention. My prayer life often sound like this:

Monday
God: Okay, children, who has a prayer request today?....Christy?
Me: I want a husband.
God: Okay, good... moving on

Tuesday
God: Okay children who has a prayer request today?...Christy?
Me: I want a husband
God:... um... okay... but you said that yesterday... is there something different you'd like to pray for?
Me:...um... I want to be... married?
God: ..um...okay... yeah.I get that... but what else?
Me: umm...I don't want to be single anymore?
God: [slapping forehead] yes, yes, I know that. but there are other things to pray about,- world peace, children in Africa...anything different you want to add?
Me: oh, yeah.... there are children in Africa who need you help.
God: Good! Good job. Yes, there are children in Africa...
Me:[mubling under my breath] and I want a husband.

Wait...

2009-03-01T13:02:00.000-08:00
When Heidi taught preschool, she had "wait cards". When a child tried to interrupt or needed her attention, she would simply hand them a wait card.
Amazingly it seemed to be enough. The child knew she was aware of their need, and that Heidi would give him her attention in just a few seconds. They were not being put off but were willing to wait patiently.
Ingenious idea. I always intended to try it....
But since coming back to the US, I feel like God has given me a wait card. But somehow I've interpreted it as "go figure it out yourself"
Ech, a very frustrating place to be.
He's setting me straight. The other day in a store I saw "Be still and know that I am the Lord" Psalm 46:10.
So I'm reading the card correctly. It says "wait";- Not "fret", not "figure it out", not "I'm unaware"...just "wait."
my eyes have been opened, with a big "Ohhhhhh! I get it now."
:0)

NC

2009-02-22T07:03:00.001-08:00
I've been visiting friends and family down south in VA and NC. I love the nice weather (and by nice I mean not freezing) and I've loved catching up with everyone from my school, church, and just old time friends. Here are some pics of all the amazing people in my life!!!!

I'm sick of winter

2009-02-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

We all knew Facebook was heaven sent

2009-02-09T03:34:00.000-08:00

My email had this message

Garnet Merrill has joined facebook and has confirmed you as a friend.

Dad?

My first thoughts were "Woo-hoo!!!!! we get to facebook in heaven!!!!!!"

After all, facebook is the best known time waster, and if we're gonna be there for all eternity....

Then I realized it was just my brother. Garnet Bryan Merrill.

oh well. I tried.

My Jesus dress

2009-02-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

A few years back the Lord told me to radically bless a friend of mine. He was very specific what I should do. So I took some money out of my bank account and set out to do it.

However, on the way I happened to pass Ann Taylor Loft, my favorite store and saw such beautiful dresses in the window. And that made me want a new dress for Easter, which was just around the corner.

Now of course, you know where my mind went. "I could just use some of the money to buy a dress, and then use the rest to bless my friend. After all she doesn't know about it anyway..."

But no I couldn't do that. So I did it exactly as God had instructed me.

But the thought of a new dress still lingered. Wes had invited me and Heidi to his hometown for Easter, and well... I just wanted a new dress.

So I decided to pray about it honestly.

"Lord. I want a new dress. I don't need a dress, I have others that would work. But I just want one. If you could work it out, I'd really appreicaite it. But if not it's okay. I'll wear another one. Amen"

Two days later my friend Heather called me. "Girl I want to go on a girl date with you."

"Okay, well, what did you have in mind?"

"Well I was in the shower praying yesterday, and the lOrd told me I should take you out to lunch and then buy you and Easter dress."

WHAT?!!!!!!

"What did you say?"

"I said, 'the Lord said..."

I started crying. I explained the story to her, and then she started crying.

"You mean I really heard that from the Lord?" she said,

And we carried on like that crying and in shock and happy for each other.

Well, that girl took me out and not only bought me this sooo cute dress at The Gap, but also bought me shoes and a purse to match.

How awesome is life when we step back and let God put things into place instead of always scheming to make it happen for ourselves?

So this is my Jesus dress, that I love to wear. And when eve someone compliments me on such a cute dress I tell them the story.

My God is awesome!!!

ungrateful

2009-02-01T14:50:00.000-08:00
Months ago in Swaziland I had to attend a community meeting as a representative for our education program. As always we opened the floor for questions or concerns for the caregivers.I was appalled when a woman stood up and started complaining about the children not having meat at the care point.Are you frickin' kidding me?!!!! I thought to myself I'm so glad I didn't have to take this question because I would not have handled it well. My response would have sounded something like, "Well, we feed 10,000 kids a ample nutritious free meal everyday. We don't force them to eat here. If yours don't like it, they don't have to eat here. They can go home and eat the nothing that you provide for them."I have no grace when it comes to ungratefulness. If these kids are as hungry as the community says they are, then they should have no problem with pap/rice, beans, vegetables and meat on special occasions.Grrrrrrr!!! (But I must say not all of the caregivers felt that way, and some were very apologetic at this woman's request)But to be honest I've caught myself with the same attitude these last few days. I've been shaking my fist at God, angry and whiny about what I don't have, instead of being so grateful for what he has already given me.I have a roof over my head, a car to drive, my health, a wonderful healthy family, food in my belly, clothes on my back, money to pay my bills, friends to talk me off the ledge, I live in a country with freedom and have a Jesus who loves me enough not to strike me dead with a bolt of lightning when I act with such audacity!!!
Sorry Lord. Thank you for showing me all that I already have. Help me to be content, like Paul says, whether I have a little or a lot.

heartbroken

2009-01-31T06:56:00.000-08:00

I recieved word that Little Musa has passed away.
I remember an American team visiting just last month and noticing him. They had a concern about a rash they had on his hands and arm.
It's a rash we've seen way too many times as missionaries.
"Maybe it's scabies" someone suggested.
But the Swazi are private people. You don't betray them with your knowledge.
So I smiled and lied. "Yes, maybe it's scabies."
And now this beautiful little boy is gone.
I'm so heartbroken today.

Rise and shine!...yeah, what ever!

2009-01-29T05:16:00.000-08:00

While living in Africa, I rose with the sun. In summer that means 4:30-5:00 am.I loved it. I prided myself in it. Ask anyone who has ever lived with me,- I'm a morning person.I'd laze around, drinking my coffee, reading my bible, got ready to start the day and make it to the office by 8:30.

But upon returning to the states...well it's a different story. Ech! I can't pull myself out of bed before 8am. (and to anyone who knows me, that might as well be lunch time) It makes sense, since I've been going to bed between midnight and 2 am.(Gasp! I know. In Africa it as 9pm at the latest!!!!)

So what the heck has happened to me? I don't know if it's the cozy electric blanket, the deep darkness outside, or the cold winter house but I can't get out of bed to save my life! I've tried! I've set my alarm for 6am, but will consistently smack the snooze every 4 minutes until 8.

Well needless to say, since I've decided to start subbing this will cause a problem.For the past 2 days, the phone has rang just after 8 with positions available starting near 9am. Well of course that's impossible for me!And then yesterday it occurred to me. If I want to work, I will have to get up, get ready for the day, so when a call comes at 8, I can walk out the door.

Ohhhhh, I was conflicted about this one.Could I actually get ready to start a day without guarantee for work?I really had to psyche myself up for this one. And since I was so tired I went to bed early last night. And as I went to sleep, the Jekyll and Hyde voices began in my head:

You'll get a nice night's sleep and wake up at 6am with the alarm. You can do this Christy.

Well of course I went to bed so early, my body thought I was taking a nap and woke up at 12:30. It took a while to go back to sleep.

Now you've lost too much sleep. you will be tired in the morning. You'll never be able to get up.

So at 6am the alarm went off and the snooze slapping began.

you have to get up christy. you'll get work today. you will. and it will feel good!

No, this is crap. just go to sleep. just rest. you don't need to work today.

slap. slap

Christy, this is called being self-disciplined. you need that remember? Just like your exercising. get up. make yourself.

Get up? For what? You might not even get called.

slap. slap.

C'mon girl, you can do it!

Reaching over my head I flicked the lights on. The voice in my head went up an octave to feign cheeriness.

See? it's like the bright African sun! it's morning. Get up sunshine!

I got up and staggered downstairs started the coffee pot. I staggered to put my socks on. I staggered into the bathroom.

Look at yourself in the mirror girl! You look rough! Go back to bed! You don't even want to work today do you?
"No I don't. Maybe they won't call today."

Yes, you do.

So step by step I rolled my hair, put on makeup, brushed my teeth, and got dressed all by 8am....

"Maybe they won't call today. But they will call today.I want them to call today... oh please don't call today."
no call.
So it's 8:30 and I am completely ready to start the day... and yet have no day to start.
Tomorrow I will have to do the same thing. Ugh. I can hear the voices already.

2009-01-28T06:28:00.000-08:00
You know I'm reading Ezekiel this morning. The Lord was speaking about shepherds who abuse their privileges and neglect their flock. Yep, I could finger point.Then he talks about the sheep and the goats. Okay, know that one. Believers and not really believers.But then look at this Ezekiel 34:20"Therefore this is what the Sovereign Lord says: I will surely judge between the fat sheep and the scrawny sheep. For you fat sheep push and butt and crowd my sick and hungry flock until they are scattered to distant lands. So I will rescue my flock, and they will no longer be abused and destroyed. and I will judge between one sheep and another."This is the delicate Christians being abused by other Christians. Yikes. You know it just goes back to what the Lord has been trying to instill in my about loving everyone... not just the happy people, the nicely-put-together people, not just the not-too-high maintenance people. But he wants me to love the "freaks & geeks" crowd too.I just keep being drawn back to Jesus saying, "You will be known as my followers by the love you show to one another.

Miracle on the Hudson,- very cool

2009-01-27T06:49:00.000-08:00

We now return to our regularly scheduled program....

2009-01-27T06:22:00.000-08:00
While I've been nesting, I've been listening to some podcasts from Celebration church (thanks for the recommendation mike)
This awakening series has really spoken to me.
And while he's talking about the Daniel fast, food isn't really an inhibitor for me these days. however tv has been! I've gorged myself like a fat kid in cake!
So for the next 21 days, I am fasting all tv before 6pm. ( I now that doesn't seem like a challenge but it is. I am obsessed with the today show, so by not watching it my day starts 4 hours earlier.) I think my QT will be much more productive and I will be closer to Him as a result.
Stay tuned!!!

Snow fest

2009-01-26T06:26:00.001-08:00
So what so states in the north do in the winter? They have a snow festival of course!Frakenmuth Michigan has this fest every year.

even if you've never come to the winterfest, everyone has come to Frakenmuth to visit Bronners, the world's largest Christmas store (I was in heaven) eat chicken at Zehnders, or buy fudge, sausage, cheese or pretzles the the Kandy Haus, or Cheese Haus (or any other Haus...someone should teach these Germans to spell)
Now this year there was a high school competition in snow carving.
my high school was there. When did my high school get a snow sculpting team? I mean, I'm not much of an artist, but I can rock a snow man!!!!!! And there was icy putt putt.

and a warm lunch later...
but you get the point

My room

2009-01-26T06:22:00.000-08:00
okay I've been working on getting the house the way I like it... a long journey but it's okay, what else to I have to do?So these are before/after pics of my attic bedroom. I'm not real thrilled with the blue'gray color,- a bit too blue for my taste. But it's livable for now.

lol!!!!!

2009-01-24T07:58:00.000-08:00
Okay I thought it was hilarious when I heard on tv that Barak Obama had complimented Beyonce on her "single ladies" dance, and he wanted to learn it himself. Of course his daughters rolled their eyes in embarrassment.But it you've ever seen Barak Obama try to dance, it's a funny thought. (He is half white you know.)So, just 4 days later, lookie what is on the internet.(Word of warning, go to the toilet first so you don't wet yourself.)Barak If this link doesn't take you staight there, type "barak, single ladies spoof"
If you live and Africa, and haven't seen the Beyonce video, watch it first...other wise it won't make sense.

Don't trust 'em 2002

2009-01-23T06:10:00.001-08:00
He thought it would be safe to leave me alone with a three year old.
"Remember when you came last time to Aunt Debbie's? You and me played that game?"
"No, honey, that wasn't me..."
She puzzled. "Yes, when you came last time...."
"No, I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never been to Aunt Debbie's house before today."
She rolled her eyes in frustrations. "(SIGH) Uncle Jimmy's got too many white girlfriends."

Hmmm....

2009-01-20T19:42:00.000-08:00
Not really sure what I'm going through right now. I'm sure everyone would say it's normal,- a few already have.
But I guess I've just been feeling...tired.
Worn out really.
Spiritually and emotionally exhausted. How do you get refreshed in that?
I mean, if I was physically tired, I'd take a nap, but emotionally?....
I guess it just hit me while I was driving to Kentucky, and I realized that the idea of making even one more little change in life made me want to cry.
I'm longing for stabilty,- lots and lots of stability.
I've been pushing myself to get all of my subbing paperwork in, and fingerprinting completed so I could start working. But then I found myself every day thinking "Oh dear God, I hope they don't call me to work."
I just can't do it right now.
I guess this is the re-entry struggle that so many warned me about.

My trip to Kentucky

2009-01-20T06:28:00.000-08:00
This weekend I traveled to Kentucky to visit my friends who are now at seminary. I love them so much, and have missed them!

2009-01-12T15:34:00.000-08:00
When you want to get involved in it,when you want to make it happen,when you're desperate to put your hands in,it takes just as much faith to sit stillas it does to move to Africa.

Thanks Becca!

2009-01-10T07:28:00.000-08:00
You know it's funny that Becca and I didn't become friends really until we both moved back to America. While I always liked her, we seemed to just run in different Swazi cirlces and didn't get a lot of face time with one another,- you know how it goes, different ministries, different towns.
But now that were both back in the US we've connected more and she's been a wonderful support in my transitioning.
She has given me the greatest gift today! She has become my 15th blog follower, and therefore I now have 3 even rows of five pictures there on the side.
It looks to nice. See her pretty picture there?
I know that's a dumb thing but I like it.
So if one of you want to be a follower you are more than welcome... but try to get 4 other friends to follow as well, okay?

I should have put this before

2009-01-10T07:14:00.000-08:00
I told you last month about the tremendous support we had for the Children's Cup Christmas Party.Well I had these verses in mind, but I just couldn't find them.So here they are:

Exodus 35:21 If their hearts were stirred and they desired to do so, they brought to the LORD their offerings...

36:6 So Moses gave the command and this message was sent throughout the camp: "Bring no more materials! You have already given more than enough." So the people stopped bringing their offerings.

Their contributions were more than enough to complete the whole project.How awesome is that?!!!! The people believed so strongly in the project that they gave an gave and it was more than enough! And that is exactly what we saw for these Christmas parties!Thank you so much for all of the churches who supported the parties. I know you will be blessed for being such a blessing.

Talking myself out of my own good ideas.

2009-01-09T09:13:00.000-08:00
I'm learning once again just to sit back, chill, and let God be God. I get frustrated easily when God prompts me in a certain direction, I run with it, and then He decides He doesn't really want to do it that way. Here is a link to a previous post where I "learned" this lesson.
say what
And sometimes I get easily frustrated when I think I know what he's doing, and then he does it another way,- without telling me anything about it, so I panic thinking nothing is getting done. Here's a link to that lesson "learned"
Joshua
The only thing that keeps me going these days is the fact that I'm an old lady and have had a few year with the Lord under my belt. And when I look back I can see how he has come through for me in other areas,-and that reassures me that he will come through in my current struggles as well.
The one I keep thinking about is about his provision.He started speaking to me years ago about living debt free. I didn't have a lot of debt really, but took this into consideration.
"Do you mean, like, bad debt? Like credit card debt? Or do you mean, like all debt, like even normal people debt?You and I both know there is a difference. Even financial ad visors tell you debt on mortgages aren't really bad because you are investing in something that appreciates, and you can sell it and recoup your money. So that's not a bad debt. Right? I mean how do you ever own anything if you don't take a loan? You can't just pay for a house in cash."
He didn't answer.But it kept coming up.
So I worked hard to finish my car payments, and doubled up on some student loan payments until it was done. Well since I don't carry credit card debt that only left the mortgage on my condo. And of course I did those little tricks like paying on the 15th to trim the years off, or pay on the principal. But He and I both knew it was going to take a while to pay that off.So before I went to Africa he made me sell it, along with my car.
"Well..okay...I'm debt-free now... but I don't own anything..."
And of course I'd gone from my already low-paying teaching job to a non-paying missionary job.
To add insult to injury the Lord often prompted me to give money away during this time. Yeah, to just random people who'd I encounter who needed financial help in this area or that area. He'd tell me to give them $X amount with a heavy conviction in my heart until I did.
And last year when I heard that I was returning to the US, He told me to give away all of my African things.
"What? give it away? I have to sell it so I can start over, there. You made me get rid of everything. How am I suppose to get a car and a apartment and furnishings?"
But once again it was that obedience thing."
Fine I'll do it."
And it was 3 months later that my dad died and my brother offered me his half of the house and truck at a dirt cheap price.And just like that, I owned a house, all the furnishings, and a truck debt free.Just like the Lord had encouraged me to aim for years ago.
How does that happen?!!!!!!!! That's crazy!!!!!
From the world's perspective, I seemed to be going in the opposite direction,- no official job, giving stuff away, selling off assets.
Yet God worked it out.
Now, as I sit watching news reports of family after family loosing homes to foreclosures, or dropping home values, I am grateful that He removed that mindset that mortgages are necessary and harmless.
So daily I'm reflecting on this example that God does work it out,- even if I don't understand what his plan it. He's setting things in motion even if I can't see what he's doing.

A little companionship...

2009-01-07T13:49:00.000-08:00
I'm lonely today and want to call some friends. I just want to hear their voices and listen to their stories.
But inevitably they ask "How are you doing?" or "How are you adjusting" and there is just no desire to talk about these things today. I can't explain in words how I'm feeling, or what I'm praying for, or beleiving God for. It's just to big and too overwhelming to try to wrap a word around it.
So I'm holed up today in the beautiful snow, comtemplating making a nice salad for dinner and deciding not to go to wednesday night church. I just can't do the introductions and explainations tonight.

The shoe

2009-01-03T11:39:00.000-08:00
Coming back to the US has been easy. A little too easy.
What is wrong with me? Why doesn't such a huge change effect me?
I'm fine feeling like a princess with every luxury like canned soup and central heating.
"Do you miss Pumpkin?" Patrick asked.
Nope. My new truck is better.
Nor to I miss bugs and sweat.
The snow is pretty and all of my food has high-fructose corn syrup,-the way I like it.
But still is was unnerving the way I transitioned so easily back into America.
Every missionary will tell you going home is hard and emotional.
I even read a book to prepare me.
Yet I came home, with no hard, and no emotional.
What's wrong with me?" I asked Becca. "Am I emotionally stagnant?"
She reassured me it might be okay.
Maybe I've just had it easier upon reentry. People have read my blogs this whole time, so I don't feel as though no one wants to hear my stories. And I'm not living with family and searching desperately for a job. I have this adorable little house, and my own space. Maybe I've just been sheltered from the additional stress that comes from reentry.
But all along I've waited for the other shoe to drop....
Then this morning,- the shoe.
Today I felt like a worthless drudge whose life could not be more meaningless. I sobbed in my American thinking chair (which is so much better than my African thinking chair)because I am unemployed and unemployable.Then I sobbed that I don't have health insurance. Then I sobbed that everyone in the world is having a baby, or a second baby, or a third baby, yet I, at 31, am approaching death with my petrified ovum and unused womb, as a spinster. Then I lamented the fact that I was sobbing to myself because I know no one in Flint anymore and therefore had no one to lament to.
Eventually I pulled myself together, (because I had to go out into public) and before too long I found my self in Barnes & Isn't-living-in-America-Great Nobel with a tea and a copy of Carrie Fisher's Wishful Drinking
And while I read 2/3 of her manic depressive/comedic life story, I began to feel better about my own life.
Funny the things that cheer you up.And now I'm back to feeling fine.

Ta-da!!!!!

2008-12-31T08:50:00.000-08:00

Look at me all cute and wintery!
Dress in the best non-matching winter gear I shoveled the whole driveway by myself!

To dog, or not to dog

2008-12-30T16:25:00.000-08:00
I've been tossing around the idea of getting a dog as a companion.
Not today, mind you, but this spring.
So today I just happened to be donating some detergent to the humane society and took a look at my shopping options... you know for when spring comes around.
They were all sooo cute! I wanted to take them all home!
The only thing that pried me away from there was the fact that I was going to a movie.
Well, wouldn't you know the movie I wanted was starting too soon so I chose to see Marley & Me.
Oh my goodness! That really was the dog from hell. As I sat there watching the movie I remembered the way it was with my other dogs, - the chewing, the potty training, the barking, the howling, the near dislocated shoulders on walks, the distroyed everthings, the non-intended food that got eaten.
And then the ending...well I won't say it but I remembered that with other dogs as well. I cried quietly while the others in the theatre sobbed.
Ugh. Never mind. I don't need a dog. If I want companionship I'll just get married.
Men chew less.

GRRRR.

2008-12-29T17:59:00.000-08:00
After 5 minutes I still can't say "Irish Wristwatch."

The first funny Back-in-American story

2008-12-29T04:18:00.001-08:00
The other night I went to bed after the power had gone out. I used my travel alarm clock to make sure I'd be awake in time for church.
At 7am the alarm went off.
Holy crap I'm soooo tired. I'll reset it for 9.
9am came and I was still tired.
uugh! okay I'll just lie here a moment
I fell asleep again waking up at 10:45.
Crap! It's 10:45...why is it still so dark out? (Don't judge me too hard for this next thought, I was still half asleep) Does the sun not come out on Sunday here in Michigan?
Then I was awake enough to figure out what had happened. I was using an alarm that was still set on African time. So my 7am wake up was actually 1am.
No wonder I still felt tired.

So honored

2008-12-26T04:48:00.001-08:00

Do you see this beautiful baby? She is the new daughter of my teacher Portia.
Her name is Christy.
Yes she was named after me. I've never been so honored.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-25T17:47:00.000-08:00
I've had a great Christmas,- I hope you have too.
Here are some horribly cute ( or just horible) pictures that I uploaded on my high speed wireless internet. (just bragging)
This morning brought beautiful big-giant snowflakes so I had to go out and pose in the snow with my new fleece blanket and coffee mug.
Also, these are the cutest socks I've ever seen, and then a pic of my step-dad in this new flannel jacket- which just happened to match his flannel pants... people like to wear flannel in Flint if you can't tell.

Don't bother to read this...

2008-12-24T04:21:00.001-08:00
If you are in Swaziland this post will just make you jealous.
If you are in America, you won't get it,- it will just appear to be a boring list of activities.
But I just can't help but to feel soooo blessed these last few days. A few times I've almost cried feeling so grateful.
I'm sleeping in a cozy bed with warm blankets and super soft pillows
I ate a can of Cambells soup.
I saw very very cheap gas prices.
I baked Christmas goodies with my mom
I saw snow... and more snow...and more snow. Then I watched it snow, and I shoveled the snow.
I called Heidi just to say hello, but didn't feel the need to tell everything. I'll talk to her again soon.
I checked my email and thought, "Well that was fast...now what do I do?"
I saw an episode of Friends.
I turned the furnace up.
I ate a very yellow bananna. I thought it was fake.
I went to target, and then Walmart.
It sounds strange, but it almost feels as though I've been given my life back. Does that make sence? I can't really explain it but I'm just so happy.

Merry Christmas from Swaziland Kiddies

2008-12-24T04:16:00.000-08:00

heh-heh

2008-12-22T14:59:00.000-08:00

The Swaziland Cricket Association was at our Christmas party this year teaching our kiddies how to play cricket.
They also set up a tent with bats, ball, pads, guards, and...well this thing.
This kids tried desperately to figure out what this thing was.
Was it a mit to catch balls? Was is a face mask?
Hmmmmmm... what could this thing be for?

Christmas parties!

2008-12-22T14:50:00.000-08:00

Every year Children’s Cup hosts the country’s largest Christmas Party. This year we had 4000 at our Manzini party alone.
The kids came from 10 carepoints to celebrate “siyajabula kutsi inkhosi Jesu inatsi” (We are happy that Jesus is with us.)
These kids who have so little came to a mass controlled-chaos of hotdogs, ice cream, juice, jumping castles, water slides, cricket, soccer, net ball, face painting, volley ball, dancing, and singing.
At the end of the day the kids each saw a performance by the Dynamics kids and received a Christmas gift.
It was so awesome to be a part of this in Swaziland, but even more awesome was the response that we got from the US. Children’s cup needed to raise approx $1250 per carepoint to hose such a party. Your US support was unbelievable. We raised every penny and still had churches wanting to donate! Children’s Cup actually was able to say, “We have enough for this project (but you can support another one if you choose)”
Thanks to everyone who made this possible!

My African Angels

2008-12-22T02:15:00.000-08:00
My traveling day was traumatic.
I arrived tired in Washington DC.
My luggage didn't.
I waited in que after que, to be questioned, searched and herded like cattle.
I rode trams to other gates and sprinted through the airport to the gate where my connecting flight was leaving 16 mintutes sooner than when I booked the flight.
I was too late.
"It's left." she Christmas Witch told me smuggly.
"No it hasn't! (pant pant) I see it right there! The door is still open!" I shouted waving my boarding pass.
She talked into her phone reciever and responded to me "They've already done the paper work..." and proceed to ignore me.
I burst into sobs right there. I didn't care who saw.
A kind elderly South African was brave enough to approach me. "Don't worry. It will be okay. You can go there to the customer service and they will rebook you. You can go on the next one." I pulled my self together and did just that.
After being told I would fly stand-by at 5:30 pm I called my mom on the pay phone and sobbed to her.
I attempted to go to the SAA ticket counter in hopes that they could assure me on a different flight.
This American and that American directed me poorly with "It's in the main terminal" or "It's downstairs, and then go upstairs."
What?
But a kind Ethiopian man said, "Here I can take you." and walked me personally all the way. "I hope they can help you " he said as he left.
Bless his heart.
Later that morning I was trying to find an ATM to get American Money so I could buy more phone cards (and a starucks...hey I needed some time of comfort)and walked into the newstand to ask for help.
A lovely girl was there helping me and encouraging me. "They also sell SIM cards downstairs if you want it for your phone instead of a calling card. But we have those here if you need them. "
"You have a beautiful accent. Where are you from?"
"Togo..." and immediately followed with "It's in western africa..."
"I know where Togo is."
She acted surprised.
"I've been living in Swaziland... I know a bit about africa."
She smiled brightly. I'm guessing not many of her customers know anything, (or care) about Togo.
Yes, it was a crap day. But I was so blessed by the beautiful African Angles that I encountered.
Thank you Lord for bringing Africa to me, after I left Africa.

Polar opposites

2008-12-22T02:03:00.000-08:00

I left africa on the longest day of the year. It was a hot 85 degrees when I left at 10:30. It was the hot-hof of first day summer day!
I arrived after many grueling hours in Washington DC. I could smell the cold air. (I'd forgotten cold has a smell)
The sun didn't rise until after we landed at 6:30 am.
I made it to Flint Michigan at 7 pm to the announcement "The current temperature is 1 degree with 30mph wind gusts"
Welcome to the first day of winter.
I'd forgoten how cold "cold" was. Wrapped in only my winter coat (which I was smart enough to pack in my carry on)and the scarf Sandra knitted me we sprinted from the airport terminal to the truck in a covered shelter. My ears were numb by the time we arrived.
"Holy crap! How am I going to do this all again?"
It's been a long time since I scraped windows while doing the "crap-it's-cold" dance.
I don't own any gloves.
Or ear muffs.
or face masks.
or snow pants.
Heck I only have boots that Lauren blessed me with. Otherwise I'd be wearing flip flops.
I think my shopping trip to target today will have to include a little more than eggnog and coffee creamer.

Going Home!!!!

2008-12-19T00:24:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow I’m going home. It just hit me yesterday.
But the house has been cleaned and inventoried, the bags have been packed and the goodbyes have all been said.
It seems surreal. How has it been 18 months?
This journey started 4 years ago when I sent a short-term application to Children’s Cup. I figured I’d come for 2 weeks, kiss some babies, and go home and pat myself on the back, thinking “What a good person I am”
I had no idea the journey that God had planned for me.
This has been the single most influential, healthy, maturing, strengthening experience in my life. Some days were tough, but I wouldn’t have traded it for a million dollars.
I recently read that of all the people who feel called to the mission field, on 5% go. It makes me so sad for the other 95%. They don’t know the blessing they are missing.
I’ll see you soon, state-side.

A lucky girl! :0)

2008-12-11T01:07:00.000-08:00

Ntombiekayise is a teenager at my Moneni carepoint. She graduated from our program last January, but arrived at the carepoint on the first day of the new school year crying.
“I have no school fees,” She told our teacher.
For months she stayed at home, day in and day out,- not really a good idea for a teenage girl in Moneni
“Christy, she’s 12 now. How long until she begins prostituting for school fees, or becomes pregnant?” her teachers asked me.
After months of trying, the teachers convinced her to come back to the carepoint during the days. She sat in with the students of the literacy program to keep her skills fresh.
Thankfully, our prayers were answered in June when newhope church visited Swaziland. They met Ntombiekayise, and visited her home and mother (who has since passed). Touched by her story, the team donated the funds for her, and two others to attend school in ’09.
So now, Ntombiekayise will have a happy ending… at least for ’09. But in the last month I’ve had more pleas for school fees than ever at Moneni. Several parents have died this year, and a few sponsorships have ended, leaving those with committed school fees empty handed. It’s sad to think that many of my babies will go without.

10 things I won't miss about Africa

2008-12-11T01:05:00.000-08:00
10. Being asked “Are you hungry?” every time I yawn.
9. Insects. No one needs to start their day killing mega-spiders, cockroaches, 7- inch centipedes, ants, beetles, or bird-sized moths.
8. Spending every day acutely aware that I’m white. Receiving special treatment because I’m white. Being discriminated against because I’m white. Being ignored because I’m white. Receiving respect because I’m white. Having beggars harass me because I’m white. Having people try to be my friend because I’m white. Having people expecting me to solve all of their problems because I’m white.
It’s annoying.
7. Buying my groceries in shifts. Susan says if you can get 80% of your list at one store, it’s been a good day.
6. Sun shining into my bedroom at 4:30 am.
5. Sweating in all of my crevices.
4. African toilet paper. The best stuff here is okay. But sometimes you encounter the 1-ply see-through stuff. It’s just no good.
3. Public holidays being declared at a moments notice. Schools being closed at a moments notice. Schools being delayed for the King’s Birthday… no wonder the educations system here is so poor. No one ever goes to school!
2. My teeny-tiny refrigerator. C’mon I can’t even stand up a 2 liter on the top shelf! I have a house, but it feels like a college dorm with this tiny fridge!
1. Instant coffee. You remember the crap our parents drank when we were growing up in the 80’s? The Folgers instant crystals? Yeah, the stuff that made me refuse to drink coffee until I was 27? That’s what they serve here. (I guess if you are a tea drinking culture, who cares if your coffee is crap.) I’ve had to learn which restaurants serve “filter coffee” and I frequent them often.

Needless to say, I’m looking forward to America, the land of the free (refills) where there will be rivers of filter coffee flowing every day! The appliances will be bigger than me, we practice day light savings, the toilet paper is like little square pillows on your bum, and there are so many white people, you just blend in. You know my good experiences her in Africa far outweigh the bad, but since I’m going I’m happy to say good-bye to these 10 annoying things! :0)

De Puneeshment

2008-12-11T01:04:00.001-08:00
“The paper says Incwala will be declared Monday.”
“Monday is the Mbabane Christmas party. Will we be able to have it even though it is a holiday?”
“Oh no! You can’t…you will be fined many cows.”

Graduation Day!!!!

2008-12-11T00:39:00.000-08:00

We recently had our graduations at our carepoints. Over 150 children completed our two-year preschool/literacy program.
Here are a few pics including me at my Moneni Carepoint.
Aren’t they cute?

Very GRRRRRRR!

2008-12-09T01:17:00.000-08:00
A pastor asked me yesterday, “What is the first thing you are going to get when you arrive in the US? Pizza? McDonalds?”
That was an easy question.
“From my landing gate in DC, to my departing gate to Detroit, there is a Starbucks. I’m gonna get a holiday drink. A hot, half-caf, mocha latte sumthin’ with whipped cream and 700 calories!”
And on the way home I laughed with Jesse about this.
“Yeah, for sure. An easy $40R to spend.” She turned to the nurse in the back seat, “Yeah, we drink $40R coffee at home.”
$40R
Something in that made me sick.
$40R is a Swazi daily salary. A maid or gardener work hard every day,- real physical work- to earn the price of one Starbucks.
It really bothered me. I guess I’d never done the math before, or at least had done it when the exchange was lower. So then I started doing more math.
We blow $4 on coffee and never think twice. Our $4 could buy a nice meal for a Swazi family. A month of Starbucks could send a Swazi teenager to school.
I’ve heard that returning missionaries really struggle with the wastefulness and materialism of the Western world. I think it’s already starting.
I can’t enjoy that Starbucks any more. Dang it Jesse!

Hlane

2008-12-04T01:30:00.000-08:00

There are days that you say, "That was a pretty good day."
Other days you say "Huh, I got lucky."
But there are very few days that you say, "Wow. God totally orchestrated that!"

Yesterday was that day.

I was in charge of taking 47 OVCs who graduated to Hlane National Game Reserve for a meal and a game drive.

All of us were piled into a bus where we sweated, and looked for animals together.

I could not believe it. The children saw every animal that Hlane has to offer.

Every Animal.

I've done game drives with teams that last for hours only to see one or 2 of the big 5. But in one hour these precious children saw and elephant, a pride of lions, a leopard, 4 rhinos, a giraffe, a warthog, kudos, antelope, hippos...you name it!

With the time of day, and the horrible heat, I thought we might see one or two, but these kids were blessed!
I joked that the kids were going to think that a game park was the same as a zoo,- you turn a corner there is an animal, another corner, another animal. :0)

Siyabonga Jesu!

Looking Forward

2008-12-04T01:00:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I sat in a bus sweating my butt off, thinking "In 2 1/2 weeks I'll be in winter, with snow and 4:30 sun sets."
It's strange to think about.
But my mom has been sending me pictures of my cute little house, which she has decorated for me. The snow is falling day after day, and part of me can't wait to get there and expereience it for myself.
I guess that's a good thing huh?